Better Man
by Finn21
Summary: A love so strong that it crossed through the boundaries of hate, through evil, and death. A love that survived the fall of darkness. A love she thought she'd lost forever. Some things aren't always as they seem.....
1. Forward and Back

_Disclaimer: You all know how it goes, Joss and ME own all the rights to the characters and yadda yadda yadda, however if Joss is willing to sell Spike, I might be inclined to purchase him for the right price;)_

_Author's note: Ok folks, here's how it goes: This story leaves off after End of Days. I put my own little twist on how they defeated the First, and the story begins after that. I hope it's not too confusing. Oh and just pretend Xander never lost an eye, cause I like my Xander with eyes, I'm weird, I know. Oh and one more thing, don't worry gang this story is Spuffy all the way, I promise!!!_

Better Man 

Chapter 1

**Forward and Back**__

_Satan, You know where I lie_

_Gently I go into that good night_

_All our lives get complicated_

_Search for pleasures overrated_

_Never armed our souls_

_For what the future would hold_

_When we were innocent_

It was dark. 

The moon, which was almost completely full, shown through the curtains showering a line of light upon his face. She watched him sleep. She always watched him sleep. It used to make her feel peaceful, at home, safe, but now it only made her lonely. It only made her think of him.

One year earlier...............

****************************************************************

They were everywhere. And she couldn't see them all, couldn't find them. And throughout the fight no matter how hard she tried she couldn't bring herself to stop fighting, she figured if she fought all the demons, killed them all, then the world would be safe at last. But it didn't matter, they only kept coming. And she couldn't find her friends.

"BUFFFFFFFFFYYYY," she heard a girl scream. She leapt up from were she had fallen and quickly ran towards the voice. She couldn't be sure if it was Dawn or Willow, she only knew it wasn't Anya.

Anya had been the first to die, and Xander had seen everything. He had seen the demon they called an Uber Vamp come at her and ferociously tear into her with its fangs. Only before it could finish her off Xander lunged at it with a sword swinging with all the strength he had, trying as hard as he could to distract the beast, but he had failed fatally.

Nevertheless Buffy still fought on. She fought, and she hurt, and she bled until nothing was left. She couldn't even remember how it had all ended, and maybe she wasn't supposed to. But it felt confusing and lonely all the same.

_"Some mystical power_.......", Giles had said.

_"Something important_........," he'd told her.

_"It has to be done_," they had repeated over and over and over.

_"Or the world will-._........"

She put her hand up to her face, rubbing her forehead. She tried to shut the memories of all of their words out of her head while she searched the wreckage. She had to find her friends, she had to see who was alive.

-------------------------------------------------------

It had taken her hours before she had found them all. Dawn was the first to be found. She was unconscious and her right arm, had been torn completely out of socket, but she was still alive, able to get up and walk. Buffy was thankful for that. They had found Willow next, but it took them awhile before they could get her to come out from where she was hiding, afraid she might hurt someone else with her powers not completely under control.

The three of them walked together for what seemed like forever until they saw Anya and Xander The couple was lying on the ground entangled in each others bodies, hand in hand. Xander had stayed with her until the end.

Buffy looked at the lifeless bodies of her friends and almost lost it, she felt herself begin to come apart. Willow sat, holding Xander's other hand, crying. Dawn was sobbing, and Buffy was losing control. Even with his strength inside her, she was losing control.

Suddenly they saw movement. Xander moved his head from were it had been resting on the ground and looked up at the group around him.

"Buffy he's alive," Willow cried.

"Keep his head still, we have to get him to a hospital now," she said searching the space around her for a phone or a vehicle.

And then she saw someone. Admist the rubble and dead bodies, she saw him. And he was carrying someone. Immediately she ran from her crying family to him, hoping against hope that he would be her salvation from all of the sorrow. 

Because she knew deep down she hadn't saved the world. No, someone else.........

When she saw that he was carrying Giles, she could feel her other instincts taking over, driving her emotions to the back.

"Oh God......is he a-alive," she stammered out anxiously.

"Yeah, but I don't know what's wrong with him, he's breathing, but he won't wake up, we have to get him help.....soon," he replied.

"Let me get the others," she said turning around as quickly as her body would let her.

He watched her walk away, seeing her limp and hurt, a normal person would've been lying in a ditch unconscious by now, but she was strong....so strong. He could feel his heart jump at the fact that she had survived. He wanted to be able to protect her, be strong fo her, even though he knew she was stronger than him now.

"Buffy," he called to her softly. She turned to look at him. Thoughts running through her head a mile a minute. _He can't be nice to me right now_, _he can't be nice, or I won't be able to hold it together._

She smiled at him weakly, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

"I'm glad you're ok," he uttered, smiling back.

She looked up to the sky for a moment, as if she was thinking of something else, someone else.

"I'm glad your ok too.....Angel," she said and then turned around and walked away, back towards the others.

_AN: So here I am sitting at my computer biting my nails nervously, hoping that you all liked my first chapter. So maybe you will do me a fabulous favor and write a review?! If you do I promise to give you cookies...... I will.......I cross my heart!!_

_And I know some of you are sitting there going, ' **Where the hell is Spike**,' just wait my pretties, the best is yet to come._


	2. In Between

Disclaimer: Yeah same as usual, not mine, totally Joss's, although if he wanted to lend me Spike for say 24 hours, I'm sure I could think up some rather creative ideas:)

Authors note: Same as usual, however I did forget to mention that the quote from the last chapter was by Fuel, and the quote below is by Life House, if anyone was curious.

Better Man

Chapter 2

In Between

_This is over my head, but underneath my feet_

_Because tomorrow morning I'll have this beat_

_And everything will be back to the way it was_

_I wish that it was just that easy_

_I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow_

_And I am somewhere in between what is real _

_And just a dream_

They felt alone. There wasn't much else to say, other than that. Like lost children without parents to run home to. It all felt surreal and dark, nightmares weren't this lonely, was all Buffy could think as she sat in the hospital room with her friends.

They watched as the doctor approached a steely gaze upon his face.

"I'm sorry", he had said, "but the damage is just to severe."__

Willow gave Buffy a pleading look.

"Is there nothing you can do", she managed to get out, with a scratchy voice. Cuts and bruises marring her face as well as his own.

"I'm afraid not, without the other doctors and nurses around to help, there's not much I can do by myself. I'm truly sorry for your loss", he said quietly patting her softly on the shoulder. They all watched as he walked out of the ER waiting room and back into the trauma center. Not one word was spoken.

***********************************************

It was a week later when they had had enough emotional strength to give Giles and Anya's funeral. There wasn't much preparation to deal with, but slowly as more people began to return to Sunnydale, it became easier to get the things they needed for the service.

It had been a hard day for all of them to say the least, but for some reason Buffy was the one that seemed the least affected by it all. She had stayed strong, strong for Dawn, for Willow, for Xander. It wasn't until someone had made a comment she overheard later that afternoon, that everything came crashing down.

She was sitting in the living room, and almost everyone had gone home. Leftover food was scattered here and there from the wake, but nobody had any energy to clean up. Buffy sat alone, deep in thought, oblivious to anything that was going on around her, so much so that she didn't see Willow and Xander's mother reach the front door. All she heard where the words that Willow said, " You should be proud of him, he stayed with her until the end.....he tried to sacrifice himself, because he loved her so much."

_Because he loved her so much_, echoed in Buffy's head over and over until she couldn't take it anymore.

She walked up to her room, closing the door behind her, where she slid to the floor, feeling isolated from the world down stairs.

And that's finally when she let it all go. 

She couldn't remember how long she cried, or how long she sat in her room alone. All she could think about was that he was gone, because of her.

She hadn't let herself think of him until that moment. All she wanted to do was run to him, into his arms, to be held by him. But he was gone, and it was her fault.

It didn't occur to her what time it was until, she heard a knock at her door, sometime later.

"Buffy, it's almost noon, are you coming out to eat?"

No answer.

"Uh, Buffy....... do you want me to bring you something to drink......some water or something?"

No answer.

"Buffy are you ok........please answer me."

She pulled her head slowly off the pillow, realizing whoever it was at her door, wasn't going away anytime soon.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she managed to get out in a tired voice, curling up again on her pillow.

As she laid her head down and prepared to fall back alseep, Angel nudged the door open, and patted his way to the edge of the bed were she lay. He sat down beside her, watching her face.

"Buffy , I know your not fine, you've been up here for days, you don't eat, you won't talk to anyone, I know your not ok. You don't have to put this act on with me, I know what your going through," he spoke to her softly.

She turned her head upward to look at him, her face wet with tears, a slight flush across her cheeks.

"Really I'm fine," she tried to smile," see look, I'm all with the fine-ness here."

"Please don't lie to me," he said, running a hand over his face in frustration.

Buffy watched him for a second realizing he was trying to help, and she was shutting him out. She knew that it hurt him, but she was hurting so much herself, she didn't seem to care about how others felt anymore. All she wanted at the moment was to be alone, and here he was pushing her to get over it. It had only been a few days, didn't he understand at all?

She could feel the anger build up as she finally began to speak," You have no idea what I'm going through, my friends are dead because of me......their gone because I couldn't stop that thing from getting to them. What the hell am I good for, if I can't even save my own friends, Angel!"

"Buffy you did the best you could, you knew you couldn't save everyone, at least you survived, even Faith and the rest ...." he trailed off knowing there was nothing left to be said about the loss of the other girls.

"Well I wish I hadn't," was her only reply.

"Don't say that, you have to keep going for Dawn, for Willow, for...........me," he whispered beseechingly.

She looked into his eyes, and saw his need for her to be there for them, for him. She remembered that look, had seen it on someone else, it seemed, not so long ago. She shuddered at the thought of _him_. With each passing day the _his_ memory only seemed to become stronger, and it was killing her. She was so alone, so lonely.

"Stay with me," she said to him finally.

"What," he asked, surprised by her statement. She looked into his eyes this time, almost begging with him.

"Please stay with me, so I'm not alone."

"As long as you need," he whispered as he climbed on the bed and lay down beside her, until she finally fell into a deep sleep.

*******************************************

It seemed like forever since all of that had happened, not only just a year ago. It had taken so long to begin to heal, to feel even slightly better about the events that had transpired. But each passing day got a little easier, each day she got through she felt stronger, _his_ strength gave her strength, it always had.

Angel stood by her side the whole time, and after a couple of months had actually moved in with them, leaving Angel Investigations to Gunn and Fred.

It almost felt like old times, when they were together, like a couple again, and although nothing had changed with his curse, they still held each other at night, and that was enough for him.

Sometimes though he wondered if she wanted more, wanted something else.

Over the last few months, she seemed distant. When she had first asked him to stay, he felt so needed. She would lay in his arms at night, tightly pressed against his body, as if she was afraid he would leave her, afraid if she let go, she'd be alone again. She worried over Dawn and Willow incessantly, never letting them leave for long periods of time, and continued to call Xander multiple times a day.

The only times she would even go out, were at night, when she would patrol. They would all insist she didn't have to, but it made her feel better, so along with it they went. Other days she would disappear early in the morning, to "go out for a walk," or to "get some fresh air." But Dawn knew she wasn't telling the complete truth, knew her sister went somewhere to be alone, but she couldn't figure out where.

Dawn could see her sister drift away from them all everyday. It wasn't that she cried anymore, in fact she seemed almost cheery sometimes, like her old self. However Dawn had a sinking feeling it was all a show, and mostly she believed the show was for Angel. It was as if she wanted him around, because the thought of being alone was simply terrifying to her, or maybe it was something else. Sometimes she thought that the reason Buffy wanted Angel around, was so that way she wouldn't have to remember that he was truly gone, that he wasn't coming back.

She wanted to tell Buffy that it was ok to miss _him_, she missed _him_ all the time. But she knew Buffy wouldn't accept her attempt to ease her pain, for so many reasons. And so she left her alone, to battle her own emotional demons. Hoping somewhere, someone would come save them from their despair, and answer all their prayers.

Author's Note: This was a hard chapter to get through, so I hope you all bear with me, and continue to read and review! Cause ya know I'll love ya if you do!!


	3. Luminous

Disclaimer: Joss has finally come to his senses and decided that he can no longer handle Spike, and that he must give me complete control of all of his ...well.....assets ;) Wait a minute, who am I kidding, I couldn't handle Spike if I tried, oh well.

Authors Note: Mucho thanks to everyone who has reviewed, I really appreciate it, I do, from the bottom of my little bitty heart. I hope everyone enjoys what's next to come, and I give major kudos to those of you who continue to read and review as always!! The quote below is by the fabulous Michelle Branch. And with no further a do, I now present to you **Chapter 3**!!

Better Man

Chapter 3

Luminous

_You're in my heart_

_The only light that shines_

_There in the dark_

The light was too bright.

It felt as if it was burning his eyes from the inside out, and for a moment he feared that it was actually happening. He rubbed at his face, bringing his arm up to shield his eyes from the light that had invaded his slumber.

He waited a moment before he noticed that his eyes weren't on fire, but simply adjusting to the pure light of day. He had no clue where he was at the moment or why, and so he tried to stand up, but found very quickly that his body was weak and sore, from what he did not know. 

All he could think about at the moment was the hunger that seemed to be growing like a beast from inside his stomach. _Food_, he thought, _Must. Find. Food. Now._

He tried once again to stand, and had more success this time. Slowly he moved his legs in front of him, as he used the walls of the cave he was in as support. As he made his way to the front of the cave, he saw a tree surrounded by a bundle of bushes not too far ahead. _Bound to be food around there, somewhere_, he said to himself, but stopped for a moment, back tracking from the light, until he realized with amazement that he was already bathed in it.

A smile crept across his chiseled face, as he took his first steps out of the dark cave, and into the sunlight, something which he hadn't done in over one-hundred years.

**************************************

Buffy rolled over in bed, noting that she was by herself, something rare for her since usually it was Angel who slept in. She lay there for a moment, content at being right where she was.........

PSHHH,CLLANGG, BRAAMM!!

She shot up into a sitting position in , startled by the loud noise she heard down stairs. She heard some muffled voices from the kitchen through the vents, and knew something had been broken. She flopped back onto her pillow groaning at the disturbance.

_No more sleep for me, ever_, she thought, as she eased herself out of bed and grabbed her robe off the sofa chair nearby.

As she made her way downstairs she could hear Willow and Dawn making hushed noises in the kitchen. _What the hell is going on in there?_ She was about to find out, but before she could make it to the door to ask them what happened, she felt an arm move around her waist, pulling her away.

"Good morning sleepy head. I thought you were never gonna get up," Angel whispered into her ear.

Buffy knew he was trying to be seductive, but at the moment she really didn't care, all she wanted to do was find out what had woken her up, from her intoxicating dream.

"I could say the same thing to you, _every_ morning," she replied, attempting to look around him and into the kitchen.

He chuckled a little at her response, not fully realizing how serious she was being.

"Do you want to have breakfast with me, after everyone leaves for the day? I can make your favorite.......chocolate chip pancakes."

Buffy could tell he was trying to be sweet, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings, but she was beginning to get annoyed. By this point he had backed her up against the hall wall, making his best attempt to be alluring, but she just wasn't in the mood. She tried again to peer around the corner from her position, stepping up onto her tip toes.

"Those aren't my favorite, and I'm not really hungry anyway," she said nonchalantly.

He stepped back from her, a little put off by how she was ignoring him.

"What's up with you," he asked.

"What do you mean," she said finally looking at him.

"Are you mad at me or something."

"No, why would you think that," she noticed his fallen face.

"Well why are you acting like the thought of having breakfast with me is repulsive," he responded to her harshly.

"I'm not, really I'm not, I just heard a noise when I was upstairs, so I wanted to see what was going on. Besides I have some errands I have to run this morning anyway," she smiled at him charmingly.

He looked at her a little dejected, and she felt like going ahead and appeasing him with the whole breakfast fiasco, until she remembered where she was going that was so important. She could tell his mind was racing, but before she could apologize for not being able to eat with him he said," Why don't you just wait and run your errands tonight, and then we could do them together, he stated, a slightly hopeful look on his face.

She sighed, "I can't, I'm supposed to help Dawn with a class project tonight, plus I want to patrol, so that really wouldn't work." She paused for a moment watching the smile fade again.

"How about this, Friday, you, me, and Dawn will go see whatever movie you want, it'll just be the three of us?"

"Sure, sounds great," he said stepping back.

She flashed him a toothy smile, and patted his hand quickly, seeing his demeanor brighten, at her gesture.

"It's a date," she said and began to walk down the hall toward the kitchen.

He watched as she started to walk away, and asked, "So what is your favorite then?"

She didn't turn around, just simply replied, "Waffles.........waffles are my favorite," and then she disappeared into the kitchen.

Authors Note: I know this was a short chapter, but I promise that the next is going to be much longer. And much more interesting!


	4. Taking Over Me

Disclaimer: So I had this idea the other day. What if we clone Spike, and then sell him on ebay! Great idea, no? Well Joss seems to think that, that's an invasion of James Marsters and his rights, and he will in no way contribute to my vision. So I'm thinking we all get together, collect a lot of money and buy James into the plan! Is everyone with me!?

Authors Note: Thank you all for your great reviews, it makes me feel all tingly inside. Yeah you know what I mean! Please keep it up guys, I love it!! The quote below is from Evanescence, and coincidently so is the title. So enjoy Chapter 4 my lovelys!

Better Man

Chapter 4

Taking Over Me

_I Believe in you_

_I'll give up everything just to find you_

_I have to be with you to live_

_To breathe_

_You're taking over me_

He opened his eyes, yawning from the nap he had just woken from. He wasn't sure how many times he had dozed off during the day. After he had found some food not too far from the cave, he'd eaten quickly and fallen back asleep, as if his body was trying to recuperate from some kind of massive injury. The thing was, he didn't see any cuts or bruises, didn't feel any broken bones. He was however sore, as if his body hadn't moved in years, it took so much effort to move around and most times he caught himself feeling faint or dizzy.

It didn't take long before he figured out that he wasn't breathing.

The concept seemed so foreign to him, that for moments at a time, he simply forgot to actually inhale and exhale. Once he practiced for awhile, he got the hang of it, and felt almost electrified by how alive the air coursing through his lungs made him feel.

The longer he rested under the sun, the easier it got for him to move around, and venture farther from his surroundings. He had no idea where he was, or how he'd gotten there, but he knew he had landed in some sort of desert. The barren wasteland was colored in nothing but sand and dirt.

He wasn't sure if he should rest more, or try and find some people to help him or tell him where he was. Only he was somewhat afraid to find out, and even more afraid not to.

*******************************************

The sky was a beautiful azure blue, and the clouds that had been drifting around the sun early this morning, had all but disappeared, leaving the sky cool and clear.

The wind was blowing softly threw Buffy's hair, as she made her way through the Forrest just outside of Sunnydale. The soft breeze made her feel somewhat peaceful as she pushed her way through a group of bushes, near the edge of the woods. Once she reached the other side, she readjusted her shirt, which had been tangled by the twigs when she slid past.

The soft grass beneath her sandals rubbed against her feet, as she made her way to her destination. She could feel a wave of clam wash over her. This was the only place she enjoyed being anymore.

She stopped and knelt down in the grass, breathing out a heavy sigh, a slight smile on her face.

"Hey there....you been ok,"she asked, seemingly speaking more to herself, than anyone else.

"I'm sorry I haven't been by, it's just been so crazy with Dawn's school and my job, and Ange-," she stopped herself realizing he was the last topic she wanted to discuss right then.

"Well anyway, you remember that girl I was telling you about last week? The one that was having trouble with the other girls bullying her? She came to me yesterday and told me that she stood up for herself, _finally_!! Isn't that great? She took my advice, I mean she broke the girl's nose with her fist and everything, but you know she stood up for herself.......so Yaahhhh," she clapped, enjoying her own success.

She scooted closer to the stone in front of her, leaning on her left side to sit down. She ran her fingers over the smooth marble, feeling the indentation of the letters.

A million thoughts ran through her head, and she couldn't think of one to pick that would be of any interest to talk about.

"I don't know anymore," she breathed out, "I feel like all of the days are just running together, like there's no point to them anymore................I hate feeling like this, but I can't make it stop, I don't know how to make it stop. I can't get you out of my head........and the thing is, I don't want to."

It was so hard to say that aloud, but now that she had done it, she felt the heavy weight on her shoulders lighten some.

"I know you'd say, _Buffy don't do this to yourself_, but I can't help it, and I know your thinking, that I just want to be miserable, cause ya know I'd get the gold medal in that event, but...........,"she paused a moment, looking at the object sitting before her, small flowers growing all around it, "But I miss you, "she simply whispered, running her fingers over the only word, carved on the small marble grave: WILLIAM, was all that it read

**********************************************

He didn't know how long he had been walking, until the sun began to set in the east, a tawdry gold filling the sky as a dark blue hovered in the background. He watched the sunsets every time now, thought they were so beautiful, possessed a kind of magic that nothing else compared to. And somehow they constantly reminded him of her.

He shook the thought of her from his head, and focused on the deserted road before him. He had no clue where he was going, or where he would end up, but he knew eventually, in someway it would lead him to her, it always did.

***********************************************

The week had been so hectic, that Buffy didn't realize it was Friday until Dawn mentioned it to her that morning.

"And it's like I told Carlos, if he wants me to go out with him, then he's gonna have to stop wearing those outrageously ugly shirts, cause ya know, paisley does nothing for his complexion," Dawn piled a scoop of Lucky Charms cereal into her mouth, before resuming her story.

"And Carlos is like, _'Oh Dawn don't be so shallow_,'" she continued, attemping to mock in a male voice, "_And I was like, 'I'm just kidding, I don't judge people on their clothes, just on their ability to accessorize well,_' and then he laughed, and then I laughed and it was going great, until his weird friend Maddox came by and started oogling my goodies."

At this comment Buffy perked right up, looking her sister in the eyes. For the last 20 minutes Dawn had babbled on about the troubles of teenage boys and the inevitable angst, and Buffy wanted to join her sister in her complaint-fest, but couldn't quite seem to control her thoughts, or focus, her mind kept drifting.

She looked at Dawn straight on, trying to make sure she had heard her statement correctly. "What, how, what?"

"The guy, Maaaaddddooooxxxx," she said slowly for emphasis, "Carlos' friend, he was totally staring at me, it was creepy, he kept oogling my goodies."

"Oggling your what," Buffy asked somewhat appalled.

"My goodies, for the third time now, God, have you gone deaf for something."

"Ok first off, if this kid's bothering you, just let me know, and me and him will have a chat. Secondly, never, and I mean ever, say oogling in the same sentence with goodies again, ok?"

Dawn glanced up from her cereal bowl, and rolled her eyes," Whatever, it's fine, I can deal," she said getting up from the table, and gathering her books from the counter, putting them into her backpack.

Buffy began rubbing her temples, thinking about all the things she had to get done that day. Moments later Willow strolled into the kitchen, a cheery smile covering her face.

"Hey there friends of mine," she singsonged.

"Hi Wills."

"Hey," Dawn smiled, getting ready to walk out of the kitchen.

"Buff I wanted to ask you something. I'm going to this concert tonight with some girls from that internship I've been doing, do you want to come? It'll be crazy fun!," she watched her friend for a moment grabbing a yogurt out of the refrigerator.

"I can't Will, sorry, I gotta help Dawn with her history project."

"Totally Friday Buffy, hello, wake up," Dawn said waving her hand in front of her sisters face. "Anyways, I won't be around, I'm staying over at Janis' remember?"

Buffy nodded half-heartedly waved goodbye as Dawn grabbed her bag, and walked out the kitchen, yelling, "See you tomorrow guys, don't party to hard while I'm gone."

Willow sat down across the island from Buffy, scooping some yogurt on to her spoon.

"You sure you don't wanna come, Xander's going?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I think it might be nice to spend the night by myself, have a little Buffy time, you know. Just me, some pizza, and pre-Jennifer-Aniston-post-Legends-of-the-Fall Brad Pitt movie night."

Willow laughed at this comment, happy to see her friend in a better mood.

"Well if your positive you don't wanna come," she paused mid thought then asked, "Hey what about Angel?"

"He had to go to L.A. for the week, something about left over business with the Angel Invesigations, he left late last night, didn't have a whole lot of time to explain before he went," Buffy said as she put the dishes from the island, and around the kitchen into the sink.

"Wow, all alone on your lonesome this weekend, sure you'll be ok?"

"Of course, you know me Wills," she said flashing a smile at her before she walked into the other room.

Willow sat there for a moment, contemplating what her friend had said. _Yeah_, she thought, _I do know you Buffy, and that's why I'm worried._

***********************************************

The evening had started off good enough, but as time progressed, Buffy slowly felt herself becoming restless, in search of something to do. She looked around the living room, seeing remnants of the cheese pizza she had ordered, and the empty carton of chocolate fudge ice cream she had chosen for desert.

Yeah, she could say she had had a pleasant evening to herself. But somewhere between Meet Joe Back, and Fight Club, Buffy felt herself drifting again. She tried to refocus her attention on the movie, but it was almost impossible. By this point Edward Norton's character was giving his all-important speech about why he was his own man, and Buffy didn't have a clue about what was going on. 

She flipped off the t.v. and sat there for a few moments, debating what she could do to occupy her. She began mentally checking off the things to do in her mind, _I could clean.........yeah right, or maybe go grocery shopping.......to late, could do laundry.......not enough detergent, or call and check on Dawn...........nah, call Angel...no._

She slumped further into the couch, annoyed at the fact that she was ruining her own evening. _Well, actually, he's ruining my evening_, she reflected for spilt second, _he won't get out of my head._

She grabbed the remote off the side table, by the couch, and turned the t.v. on again, determined to not let her thoughts of him make her feel lonely. She pulled the blanket from off the back of the sofa and draped it around her body, as she stretched herself until she was lying down.

Only a few moments later she fell into slumber, assured he couldn't haunt her thoughts if she was asleep, and yet knowing her dreams, were the one place he could always follow.

**************************************

The drive to keep moving had been so strong and he'd walked so long, that by the time dawn began to creep over the horizon, he knew he was no longer in the desert. He wasn't sure, when the road had ended but now as he looked before him he saw the green of the trees all around. He could feel the dewy wet grass under his feet.

Nearby he saw a patch of leaves in the shade of a large oak tree and slowly walked over to it. Laggardly he moved to the ground to lay down, he set his head in crook of his arm, and watched as the sun came up over the trees, resting for the first time in 24 hours.

*******************************************

Buffy woke up to one of the most obnoxiously loud Pepsi commercial in all of existence. The one in which Britney Spears jumps around in front of a lighted up Pepsi symbol, back up dancers aplenty, as they all _git their jiggy on_, to the designated theme song.

Buffy's head and body were melted into the couch, her legs tangled in the blanket she had been sleeping under.

Desperately she tried to find the remote on the coffee table, while attempting to keep her face hidden in the sofa pillow. "Rrggg arrggg," were the only sound she uttered.

Annoyed and tired she pushed herself off the couch and walked over to the t.v. to turn it off. Slowly she huffed out a huge breath of air, which then turned into a yawn. As she at back down on the couch rubbing her eyes, "Britney Spears, definitely not what I wanna see first thing in the morning,"

She pulled herself off the couch a few moments later and walked up the stairs intent on taking a long, relaxing shower, in which no one would interrupt her.

**********************************

After she finished her shower an hour later, and came out of her room, towel securely draped around her head, she went over to Willow's room and knocked on the door.

No Answer.

_I wonder where she is, she didn't say this was an overnight thingy, oh well._

She turned around and walked down the hall towards Dawn's room. She saw the door was open, and went in, seeing that the room was untouched from yesterday. The bed was made, and a couple of clothes strewn about the floor.

When Buffy realized that Dawn wasn't home yet, she had a sudden pang of loneliness._ More me time, whoopee_. And then she realized that she could go visit Spike.

No one would bother her, or ask he questions, or make her rush, and she wouldn't have to lie.

Over the last few months, Buffy had made trips to Spike's grave more and more frequently. At first it had been too hard, too painful, as soon as she would get there, she would cry. Cry because he was gone, cry because of all of the sadness that had occurred after they defeated the first, and because she lost him, and her friends. 

It would be too overwhelming, too difficult to deal with all at once, and so she didn't go near his grave, or his old crypt for months, trying in vain to shut the memory of that day out of her life. But the longer she tried to forget about him, the harder it became. Until finally one day she went, and let years of fighting and death and pain come out. She cried, and screamed and sobbed, and not because she wanted to, or because she was forced to, but because she needed to.

For years she had been the slayer, always wondering if the next day would be her last, and then in a blink of an eye, it was over. They had defeated the first and all of the demons that had fought with it.

All demons that did not have a soul, or weren't human hybrids, were banished to the underworld, and Buffy was free.

Honestly she didn't know whether to laugh or cry . Being the slayer was who she was, or so she thought. For so many years, that had been her place in the world, and now she felt lost. She didn't know where she belonged. And the one person who could tell her the truth, the one person that would show her were she fit in, was gone.

Sometimes she wondered is she missed the thought of Spike, or Spike himself. The last few months between them had been so different, they had become so close......

She shut the last thought out of her mind, as she picked a white and red flowered dress from her closet. She didn't have much time, and if she wanted to visit him before everyone got home she needed to hurry.

*****************************

The trips to Spike's grave, had been pleasant, the warm weather from the day before, was still intact, and the semi-cool breeze made Buffy feel tranquil. She carefully pushed her way through the bushes that guarded Spike's grace like a fortress, attempting to avoid thorns.

Once on the other side, she continued with her usual ritual, walking over and onto the soft grass that encircled his gravestone. She took off the sandals she was wearing before she kneeled in front of the tombstone, and then sat on the back of her legs, shifting her weight to the side, as she pulled stray pieces of blonde hair from her face and placing it behind her ear.

Buffy began to speak, she wanted to say something witty, or silly as she usually did, but this time seemed different. She could feel his presence so strongly, and it had caught her voice in her throat. She breathed in and out deeply, as if to calm herself. She lovingly traced her fingers along the letters of his name.

"Buffy," she suddenly heard a voice whisper behind her.

It had taken her by surprise, and at the same time, she knew someone had been there all along. She was afraid to turn around, and see who the voice belonged to, but honestly it didn't matter, because she already knew. 

Authors Note: I hope you all enjoyed this long chapter and have many many reviews to write for me, because you know I will give you cookies if you do. What kind of cookies you ask? Well any kind you want of course:)


	5. Alive

Disclaimer: So I finally got Joss to meet with me the other day for my Spike/ebay vision. It wasn't easy though. He moaned and groaned, mostly due to the duck tape over his mouth and the rope tying him to the chair, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, ya know what I mean?!

Author's Note: I realized while overlooking my last chapter, that because I'd rushed getting it out, I had in turn done a rather shitty editing job, and for that my lovely's I apologize profusely. This next chapter is all clean and neat and ready to go, I promise. The quote below is by Heather Nova.

Better Man

Chapter 5

Alive

_Life is something set to music_

_I can hear it when I'm sad_

_There's a chord in every muscle_

_Every kiss you ever had_

_There's a power when you're near me_

_In our heads or in our bones_

_I know nothing but I'm guessing_

_When we die we're not alone_

She waited there, in the same position she had been kneeling in for a few seconds, unsure of what to do next. She waited for the owner of the voice to speak again, and when he didn't she gradually stood up, her front still facing the grave.

Slowly, very slowly, she turned to face who was standing behind her, and when she saw his face she almost collapsed.

It took her a couple of moments to find her own voice, but when she finally did all she could do was whisper his name.

"Spike."

He smiled, a little, insecure about what to do next. He had wandered into the Forrest early that morning, and found a small patch of leaves to sleep upon for a few hours. He didn't know how long he had been asleep, until he heard the sound of footsteps nearby.

He made his way across the Forrest until he came to an area surrounded by bushes. He could see a figure standing inside, and decided to find easier way to look in, without potentially scaring off the visitor He trekked along the wall of shrubs until he came to a slight opening at the head of the wall. Ever so slowly and quietly he made his way threw the opening.

Once inside, he saw the petite figure kneeling in front of a head stone. And at first it hadn't occurred to him that she was anything other than just a girl, until he looked again. Realization dawned on him. It was Buffy. His Buffy.

He stood there for a moment watching her, trying with all of his heart to stop from breaking down. He didn't know if this was a dream, or if he had finally made it to heaven, and right then it didn't matter.

A few moments later he gained the courage to speak her name. When she heard him and turned around, the sight of her beauty had completely overwhelmed him. _After all of these years, and after everything that's happened, she can still take my breath away._

He sucked in a rush of air, watching her face, awed and in shock at everything that was going on. Neither of them able to process thoughts.

It took her what seemed like forever, but when she finally broke free from the haze that had clouded her mind after seeing him, she at last spoke.

"Are you real," she said softly, never once taking her eyes off of him.

He blinked, seemingly somewhat confused about what she had said. It wasn't the first thing he figured she would ask, and he had no idea how to answer her question.

"I don't know..........I hope so," he said gently, moving closer to her.

Buffy didn't know what to do, or say, or think, she felt her mind go blank. She let her instincts take over, as she stepped up to him, until they were standing almost face-to-face. She could feel his eyes boring holes into her very soul, and it took all of her will power not too look away from the intensity of it. She gazed into his eyes, letting go of all her fear and doubt and that's when she realized he was real, he was Spike.

Buffy let out a gasp as she covered her mouth with her hand. The shock of the situation barring down on her finally.

Spike smiled reassuringly at her, his eyes meeting hers once more.

"I am real Buffy, I don't know how, or why, but I am...............it's all so bloody confusing," he stammered out , bringing his hand up and brushing a piece of hair out of her face.

She smiled, and laughed in spite of herself, so happy to be able to hear his voice again, his accent, his words. She took the hand covering her mouth and brought it to his face, cupping the side of his cheek. Immediately she felt the warmth of his skin, the heat all that more prominent because of the sun shining down upon them.

"Your alive," she breathed out quickly, eyes as wide as saucers, almost unbelieving.

"I know," he whispered, leaning his face into her had, smiling at her with his eyes.

She watched his face, as if trying to remember every inch of it, scared he might disappear the next second. Her own eyes traveled down the length of his face, and stopped when she saw his throat. She blinked her eyes shut a couple of times, until she noticed that his throat was constricting in and out. 

_He's breathing._

"Your human", she said aloud," oh my God."

Spike brought his mouth into a smirk, as if he was laughing at some joke that only he knew." I know," he replied, " he's got a twisted sense of humor doesn't he?"

****************************************

They stood their together for so long, that when Spike finally reached up, and touched Buffy on the arm, she felt as if she had been awakened from a dream.

There were so many questions, so many things that she didn't understand, and right now neither of them cared. All they wanted to do was be there, together.

Spike was the first to speak, "Buffy, I want you to know, that I don't know how I got here or what happened, but I will find out."

There was so much to explain, that she couldn't even fathom where to begin. Then suddenly an idea came to her mind, _I can bring him to the house_, she thought, _maybe Willow can figure out what happened, and Dawn can see him, and I can explain_....... Her thoughts drifted away as she refocused her attention on the man before her.

"Come with me Spike," he smiled at the sound of his name on her lips.

"Where are you taking me pet," he asked.

"Home," she replied, grabbing his hand.

As they walked out of the cemetery, Spike caught a glance at the grave that bared his true name, noticing the small flowers that had been delicately placed all around it. The sight caught him off guard, but he thought better of saying anything, still considerably fatigued from everything that had happened. He shut his eyes for a instant as the cool breeze swept across his face, the warm feeling of Buffy's fingers still entwined with his own.

The walk back to Buffy's house felt eerily like deja-vu, and despite the million questions they had for each other, neither one spoke.

Spike could tell Buffy was nervous about something, and although he wanted to be relaxed with her, he too couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was waiting not too far behind.

When they made it into the foyer of Buffy's house, a stream of memories came flooding back to him all at once, and he had to brace himself against the wall to keep from stumbling.

"Spike, are you ok," Buffy asked, aware of his instability

He quickly collected himself and gave her a small smile. "Oh just a little tired from my travelin' an all, but other wise peachy," he said following her into the living room.

"Stay here, I'll be right back," Buffy said, as she walked down the hall and into the basement. After she left Spike patted into the living room, observing how mostly everything he remembered about the home was left untouched.

He scanned the walls of the living room looking among all of the old photos, until he came upon one Buffy, her mom, and Dawn. He smiled, recollecting what had once been of that special family. As Buffy walked into the room with a pile of clothes in her hands, Spike was brought out of his memory's.

"This is all we had left from when you were here, but I think they'll be ok, can't go wrong with black right," she said, fidgeting with the shirt sleeve, before handing him over an old pair of black jeans, and a black pullover.

He took them from her, as he nodded to her slightly in agreement. He felt so awkward at that moment, so unsure of what to do or say, to make this experience easier on both of them. He wanted to tell her how he felt about her, wanted to make sure she knew that he was as lost in all of this as she was. That he needed her help, he needed her.

"Spike," Buffy said sharply, "Hello Spike," he snapped his head up from the clothes realizing when she spoke that he had dazed out once again.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to go change in the bathroom?"

"Oh right, of course," he said turning and walking out of the room.

She watched him walk away, and then sat down on the couch once she heard the bathroom door click shut. This was the first moment since she had seen him that had a chance to think over what happened. A hundred questions came to her mind, and she began to get restless, waiting for him to return.

She could tell how tired and slow he had moved, as if all of the energy had been sucked right out of him. He also looked thinner than usual, as if he hadn't eaten for days. _I have to get him some food, _she thought_, and then we'll talk.......................no wait, maybe he wants to take a shower, and then eat, and then we'll talk.....................or maybe he'll want to rest first_. Buffy silently ran through what she should do, debating back and forth with herself. Impatiently she paced the room, ready to go ask if he was ok, when she heard some one come in the front door. 

She stopped in the middle of the living room entrance to see Dawn hurriedly come through, brushing the hair out of her face as she closed the door behind her.

The second Dawn saw Buffy standing in the door way, she freaked out, realizing she was much later than she said she would be.

"I know what your thinking, but just let me explain. Ok I was on my way home from Janis' this morning when her mom offered to take us out to lunch, and ya know I couldn't say no to that. Well then, she offered to take us shopping, and one thing lead to another until I realized it was like five hours later, and I'm really really sorry, and I don't mean to babble, but please don't ground me forever ok," Dawn huffed out in one breath, looking up into her sister's eyes, pouting her bottom lip in hopes of getting some smidgen of sympathy.

Buffy glared at her younger sister mildly irritated at the whole situation; but before she could speak, another voice came from down the hallway.

"Buffy, I don't have any ideas what's goin' on, but before everythin' gets all buggared up, there's something I wanted to---,"Spike stopped mid sentence, realizing that there was another figure in the room. He had been so intent on telling Buffy exactly how he felt, that when he came walking out of the bathroom, and into the hallway, he hadn't even noticed Dawn standing there, a look of horror on her young face.

"Spike...........is that you? I-I-I mean, are you really here," she said meekly, unable to grasp him being there.

He smiled at her, " Yeah, I think so, either that or we've all entered the bleedin' Twighlight Zone."

His attempt at humor failed, and Dawn stood as if paralyzed in shock. She looked to Buffy for an answer, but Buffy only glanced at her and then back to Spike.

"But I don't understand. I-I mean, your DEAD, and.....not like undead, but dead dead, like really dead. How did you........when did you.......why did you........oh I'm so confused," she stopped herself from continuing, and began to rub the side of her temples letting out a huge breath of air.

She looked back up at him, and saw that he was staring at her apprehensively. And then it occurred to her. _He's back. He's really back, oh my God!!!_ And with that she dropped her bag and rushed over to Spike, swinging her arms around his body, hugging him as tightly as she could.

He was so surprised by the whole act, that for a second all he could do was look to Buffy to see her reaction. When he saw her smiling, he relaxed, wrapping one arm around the young girl, and using the other to softly pat her hair.

"I'm glad to see you too, lil' bit, I'm glad too see you too."

Author's Note: Hope everyone really liked this chapter, and aren't too disappointed on the lack of smoochies, trust me there will be smoochies, you just have to be patient. And as always, read review, and don't hate me for how long the last update took, hate my stupid ass computer!!


	6. Million Dollar Questions

Disclaimer: Ok, so no worries yet, but Joss has in fact escaped, and had his lawyers call to inform me that I have 24 hours to disband my "Clone the Spike Project", or I will be sued. Yeah right, like he'd actually do anything! I don't believe it for a second. No way..................... Does anyone have a free room I could hide out in?

A/N: So I wanna thank everyone whose been reading and reviewing my story so far, I really appreciate all of your comments, and please please keep it up, I'm a review junkie. This next chap is kinda short, and mostly filler, but hey if ya want updates fast, then you can't be picky, right? Yeah I know, I hate the bastards too.

Better Man

Chapter 6

Million Dollar Questions

_You think this life would make me bolder_

_But I'm running scared is all_

_I hang on everything about you_

_You think I'd settle down cuz I'm older_

_But I roll with the change is all_

For the next few hours the three of them sat and talked. Mostly Spike sat there listening to Dawn explain how the last year had been, and all of the changes she had to deal with. Never once considering to mention Angel.

They talked about Giles and Anya's deaths, and how difficult the loss had been. Mostly Buffy just sat there watching Spike's reaction to everything that was being said. Noticing his quite and reserved reactions. She felt herself smile unconsciously at the realization he was in her home, he was home.

She looked up from her hands a moment later, to see him glancing at her. His striking blue eyes looking into her own, as if they were looking into her very heart. Unexpectedly she began to feel anxious, as she looked back to her hands, bringing one up to a pull a piece of hair from her face. _Do something_, she thought, _don't ignore him, don't push him away._

But before she could look back up at him, Willow came through the front door, walking into the living room, all the while fiddling with the bag in her hand, and disregarding the occupants in the room. 

"Hey Buff, hey Dawn, sorry I was so late, it's just that I was on my way back from the concert when Xander called and asked me to get some stuff because he wanted to eat dinner with us," she said, as she continued to mess with her bag.

"That's cool Wills, we've been uh kinda busy anyway," Buffy stated, sitting up on the edge of her seat, anticipating the redhead's inevitable reaction.

"So what did you guys do today," she stopped suddenly, the smile fading from her face, being replaced with a look of complete shock.

"SPIKE, YOUR BACK," she squeaked out fast.

Everyone else in the room jumped at the extreme reaction, then looking to Spike, to see what he was going to say. He wasn't sure how to reply, everything was coming at him from all angles.

"That seems to be the phrase of the day, but yeah, I'm still kickin' if you can imagine that."

"I don't understand, you died right, how can you be alive? You went with Buffy and did your little magic thingy and then poof you were gone, and we fought the bad guys, and then they died, and I really don't understand what's going on. So does that mean since you're back, their back, or are you back by yourself, and was this like special or something, because how could that happen? Unless someone brought you back, and I never did anything I swear, unless you're evil again and someone else brought you back. But by the look you're giving me I guess that's not the case, and so now I'm just jabbering, and your supposed to stop me when I do this," she finished, looking to Buffy for help.

"I think it's funny when you do this," she replied with a smirk.

Willow shot her friend a quick glare, before she returned her eyes back to Spike, "I just don't even know...........um........I'm not sure.........I guess I shouldn't be surprised this is Sunnydale after all," she finally managed to get out.

Suddenly out of nowhere they a heard a loud voice from behind Willow.

"Hey, hi , howdy everyone, I got pizzAAHHHHHHH," Xander yelled, jumping back three feet in the air, as he saw Spike for the first time.

Buffy got up from her seat, trying to calm down everyone in the room, realizing things where going down hill, and fast. 

"Xander, before you freak out, let me just explain, that none of us have any idea how Spike got back, including_ HIM_, so just try to relax."

"BUT......HOW......WH-," he tried to finish his last word, but gave up, setting down the pizza's he was holding onto."Wait a minute, so you don't know what's going on," he asked looking at Buffy and Dawn.

"Nope," they replied together.

"And you don't know why he's back?"

"Nope."

"And he doesn't know why he's back?"

"Nope."

"Did you know anything about this," he said looking at Willow.

She gave him an irritated glare," Yeah about a whole two minutes before you did."

"Buffy, are you sure you didn't know, were you keeping this from us," he asked frantically, almost angry.

Spike had had enough, he'd sat there an watched the two of them question him and Buffy like buffoons for the last five minutes and now he was pissed. _Where the hell does he get off accusing me of anything. I've been dead for the last bloody year, and the man's still got a grudge against me._

"Hey, wait a damn second, me and Buffy only found each other today, she doesn't have any blimin' ideas about what's going on and neither do I, as I suspect you don't as well. So don't go gettin' your knickers in a twist just yet," Spike stated, more calm than expected.

"Xander we'll figure this out, just don't wig out on me ok." Buffy pleaded with him.

"WHA-, are you kidding me, just when things are starting to become ok for all of us, he shows up, bringing who knows what with him, and I'm supposed to be all Tony the Tiger with this? No way, this is definitely wiggage worthy."

This needed to stop. All of it. The bickering and fighting, and yelling, yes things had been getting back to "normal", as was per usual for Sunnydale, but nobody was particularly happy, especially Buffy. This was her chance to get back something she had lost, something they had all lost last year, and she wasn't going to let Xander's insecurities ruin it.

"Look Xand, none of us have any answers right now and none of us know what's going on, but we'll figure it ok? So for right now, lets all just relax and watch t.v. and eat pizza." 

Xander glanced over at Spike, noticing that his eyes never left Buffy. "Yeah ok Buff, if that's what you really want," he responded, letting a breath of air out, as he plopped himself into the nearby sofa chair. "Who wants pepperoni?"


	7. Second Chances

Disclaimer: If anyone's worried I just want you to know that I'm safe and secure for the moment, although I've heard from sources that Joss is out looking for me day and night. See I knew he would cave in eventually, it was only a matter of time before he fell victim to my sinister charms. Muuwaahh ha ha ha!

A/N: Not much is new at the moment, thank you all again for your lovely reviews, it makes me a happy happy girl. Enjoy Chapter 7 my pretties!! The quote below is by Johnny Rzeznik. And from the last chapter it was Matchbox Twenty.

Better Man

Chapter 7

Second Chances

_And I want a moment to be real,_

_Wanna touch things I don't feel,_

_Wanna hold on and feel I belong._

_And how can the world want me to change_

_They're the ones that stay the same._

_I'm the one now,_

_Cause I'm still here_

The following morning Spike awoke to the distinct smell of bacon. It wasn't so much that he loved bacon, but more that his stomach had sensed food from the other room, and then declared that sleep was no longer an option.

Slowly he pulled himself up from the couch he had been sleeping on since the previous night. At first he was surprised that Buffy had offered him the couch, certain she would want him to return to the basement or otherwise. But when she had thrown him a pillow and blanket, ordering him to sleep at 10 p.m. sharp, he didn't even pretend to protest. Instead simply followed her orders in silent merriment.

Presently he was searching for his shirt which he had discarded sometime during the night. When he found the black t-shirt he'd been looking for, he quickly fitted it over his head, and then ran a hand through his messy blonde curls.

As he made his way into the kitchen, he was surprised to find Buffy standing at the oven, flipping slices of bacon, while pouring pancake mix into the pan on the next burner. On the counter top of the island he saw an array of already cooked breakfast food, consisting of eggs, fruit, a pile of pancakes, and a few frozen waffles from the toaster.

Spike smirked, as he came up behind Buffy, resting his body on the sink a few feet away.

"So when did you go all Julia Child, pet?"

Buffy jumped back a bit, not noticing he was in the room.

She looked over at him, and gave a quick pout before holding her head up high in defiance. "I've always been a fabulous cook, you were just never around to experience my talent."

He laughed out loud at that, and just shook his head. _Who's this chit trying to fool._

"Ok maybe not, but I sure as hell try, and I can at least do breakfast food, so sit down and shut up, or no food for you, " she smiled teasingly.

"Yes ma'am," he saluted, grabbing a plate on his way.

Buffy finished frying what was left of the bacon, and turned around placing the remaining pieces on the plate with the others. She then switched off the oven and grabbed the spatula nearby. "So what's your fancy?"

"Hmmm, I'll take two pancakes, two waffles, six bacon slices, and a cup of tea if you don't mind."

"So that rumor about the English and their tea is true, you really do drink it with every meal," she joked, gathering the food and placing it on plates for each of them.

"Well, I think the Watcher abused his tea drinking privileges, but for all intents and purposes, yeah, we British blokes love our spot of tea. Although I do suggest that you keep this little secret between you and me," he said while shoving a mouthful of maple syrup drenched pancake into his mouth.

"Cross my heart," she replied, a look of sadness creeping over her face.

Spike watched her for a second, realizing what he'd said. "You still miss him, don't you?"

"It's hard not to. He was the only father I had for so long.......it feels so strange without him now," she said apprehensively.

Spike nodded, "I understand luv, he was a part of your family."

She looked at him thoughtfully, knowing full well that he understood what it felt like to lose someone you loved. He had lost so much in his life, Buffy didn't know how he handled it all sometimes. Probably the same way she did, she figured, by killing things, or being overly self-destructive. But that was in the past. And so she pushed the unpleasant thoughts from her head, bringing a piece of bacon up to her mouth to eat.

"What do you wanna do today?"

He raised an eyebrow at her curiously, knowing all too well the diversionary tactics of Buffy Summers, and deciding it best to let her change the topic of conversation. "Don't know figured I stick around here for awhile, it's alright with you, yeah?"

"No I mean, what would you like to do today? All the guys said they could meet up here tonight to research, but that's not until like seven or eight. So what would you like to do for your semi-first normal day, as a human," she asked, a hint of excitement in her voice that Spike couldn't remember hearing for a long time.

He sat there for a moment thinking about the question presented before him. It seemed like such an odd idea to him. Spike, a human........and normal? What was the world coming to? He sat there for a moment, until a slow evil grin appeared across his face.

"Can I do anything I want," he asked, looking up at her with a innocent expression.

"Anything at all," Buffy answered, putting the dirty dishes in the sink.

Spike began to laugh more to himself than anyone, but it was a mischievous laugh, and Buffy could tell. She stopped suddenly, knowing he was up to something.

"Why," she faced him," what do you have in mind?"

She peered at him sternly, crossing her arms over her chest, as if already in protest.

And all Spike could do was flash her his most charming smile.

*******************************************************

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS," Buffy screamed into Spike's ear.

"OH COME ON SLAYER, LIVE A LITTLE......THIS IS GREAT," he yelled back to her.

"BUT MY HAIR'S GETTING ALL WIND BLOWY AND I REALLY NEED A BATHROOM BREAK, SO CAN WE STOP FOR FIVE MINUTES, PLEASE."

Spike frowned, and although Buffy couldn't see his pouting, she knew he wasn't happy about this.

Earlier that day Spike had convinced her that one of the most exhilarating and relaxing things you could do was take a bike ride. However, he failed to mention that this "bike" would be a rented Harley Davidson motorcycle, and that Buffy would be riding said motorcycle with Spike, on the back roads of the Sunnydale Valley, at 90 miles per hour.

She had to admit the wind blowing in her hair had been fun at first, the sights were absolutely gorgeous, and the feeling of flying down the open road, freedom all around her, was a great adrenaline rush. Plus having an excuse to be so close to Spike, to hold onto him was nice as well, but now Buffy had had enough. After three hours and 12 hair knots later, she was ready to be back inside, where people didn't have to worry about bugs flying at their face.

Once they had rested from the exciting after noon, Buffy had decided to take Spike to her favorite Italian restaurant. And for the remainder of the day they had talked about anything and everything that had happened over the last year and before.

Everything seemed to be going so well, and oddly enough they hadn't received any interferences, even from the rest of the gang. And so she told Spike about how she'd opened her own self-defense school for kids and adults. She taught during the late afternoons and evenings, and switched off with other girls that had offered to teach at the school as well. That way she had time to spend with Dawn and the gang during her free time. 

They also discussed Dawn's recent adventures, and this new situation she had with a boy named Maddox. Suddenly Spike felt the need to meet this boy, and make him feel very nervous, for even thinking about wanting to bee seen with his lil' bit.

They talked for hours, and it seemed so natural to both of them, that to watch them, you would have thought they were old friends. But they weren't, and that's what was so difficult. Because they continued to avoid the one conversation they knew needed to be had. The one conversation that would change the their lives forever.

**********************************

When the rest of the gang came over that night to research Spike's new leap into humanity, Spike could feel himself become apprehensive about the whole situation. Buffy had been in and out of the kitchen for the past half hour getting snacks ready for when they began to research. Dawn mean while sat in front of the television, throwing out sarcastic remarks at the occupants of the _Real World_ and how everyone seemingly felt the need to "hook up" with everyone else in the house.

Spike watched her for a moment, considering joining her in her rant against the MTV-generation, until he saw Willow and Xander walk into the room, laughing about something they were talking about.

"So then, he comes in and says to me _'Harris I need you to grab my pills,_' and I go '_sure_,' and then I hear Luiz in the back ground say,_'yeah, wouldn't to forget to take you're daily Viagra_,'" Xander finishes, trying to poorly imitate a Spanish accent.

Willow looks at him shocked."Are you serious," she asks laughing as the two of them walk into the living room.

"Totally and completely my little redheaded friend."

As they came in and sat their supplies down on the coffee table, Buffy walked in from the kitchen holding a bowl of popcorn in one arm, and a bag of chips in the other. Once she saw everyone around the table she smiled, until she began to lose grip on the bowl she was holding. Quickly Spike jumped from his position and over to her catching the bowl before it fell.

"Aww isn't that sweet, and I thought chivalry was dead," Xander said jokingly.

Buffy smiled at Spike quickly, but before she could say anything Spike responded. "Yeah and you would know wouldn't you mate."

"Ok enough with the idiotic banter, I came barring food for our party," Buffy interjected, sitting down the bag of chips.

"I wouldn't really call this a party pet,"Spike said, situating himself next to Buffy.

"Hey, it definitely beats out watching _Deep Space Nine_ in my underwear," Xander replied with a nod, grabbing a handful of M&M's from the bag. 

"Ok that's way too much information, but see, he agrees with me," Buffy piped, nudging Spike with her left elbow.

Xander scratched his head in concentration,"Well ya know, except for that one episode when that hot chick was with those Vulcan's and..........WHAT," he stopped mid thought, when he saw everyone staring at him.

"What did I tell you," Dawn asked, bring her hand up and sticking it out in front of him palm up.

He watched her for a moment, confused about what she was doing. "What? What did I do," he looked helplessly at the others.

"We agreed that the next time you mentioned _Deep Space Nine, Star wars_, and/or your philosophical interpretations of _Lord of the Rings_, that you pay me one geek dollar, now go on pay up," she said, swinging her hand back and forth.

"Hey now....I was just saying-."

"Nuuh uh uh, what did we agree," Dawn questioned, cutting him off.

"FINE. HERE," he huffed out with a look of defeat, pushing the dollar bill from his wallet into her outstretched hand. All the while Buffy and Willow continued to laugh, and Spike had a curious smirk across on his face.

Xander returned all their smiles with a bewildered pout, and turned to pick up a book from the small pile they had brought.

"Sorry we couldn't find more to bring,"Willow said, also picking up a couple from the pile, "but since the counsel was destroyed, and everything else......we didn't have a lot to choose from."

Buffy gave her a reassuring smile, "It's ok Will, I know."

Dawn sat there for the last few moments watching everyone's good mood descend at the mere mention of their lost friend. She decided now was not the time to get down, especially when Spike had just come back, there was so much to be grateful for. Snapping out of her thoughts, she grabbed one of the thicker volumes from the pile and slammed it on the table. Surprised by the abrupt outburst, everyone looked up at her alarmed.

"Come on guys, lets get some energy back in this room, we're gonna need it, we've got a lot of work to do."

********************************************

It was around 1 a.m. when Buffy woke up to hear the sound of a women's hair removal infomercial on the television. She scanned the room, and saw Xander laying spread out across the floor, one arm supporting his head as he slept. Willow and Dawn sat opposite each other in separate sofa chairs, each girl in deep slumber.

She looked to the end of the couch where she had expected to see Spike sprawled out, both arms stretched out behind him in his usual state of sleep. But instead all she found was a crease in the couch from where he had been.

For a moment she felt herself begin to panic, afraid the last 24 hours had only been another one of her dreams. She moved to wake up Dawn, to see if she remembered everything that had happened, when she felt a cool gust of wind come in from the kitchen. He was outside.

Buffy patted her way into through the kitchen and onto the porch, noticing him sitting there, his head placed in his hands. For a moment she watched him, wondering what was going through his mind, if he was thinking of her.

"Something wrong pet," he asked softly, never once moving from his position.

She gave a little jump of surprise and then sat down beside him, concern written all over her face. "I could ask you the same thing."

He chuckled to himself, and thought of how loaded a question like that really was.

"Why are you out here alone?"

"I dunno, I couldn't sleep, guess I have a bit much on my mind," he paused for a moment hesitant to share more," been havin' some nasty dreams ever since I came back, so I don't sleep much during the night."

"Dreams about what happened before," she asked, looking deeply into his eyes.

He watched her face, saw her emotions changing constantly, from concern, to worry, to understanding. Wanting so badly to brush his fingers across the smooth surface of her skin, touch her lips with his own. But he didn't, instead he looked back at his own hands, the feeling of loneliness creeping over him again.

"Yeah, pretty much," he finally replied.

Buffy watched his expression switch for a moment, saw the glimmer in his eyes come alive as he gazed upon her face. But as soon as it had come, it was gone, and Buffy felt the loss of his eyes upon her. She so badly wanted to figure out what was going on, so they both could understand why he had returned, and for what purpose.

"Everything's going to be ok Spike. I don't know how, but it will be, I promise."

It was the last two words that surprised him, making his heart jump inside, and the instant she said it, he looked up at her really smiling for the first time that night. 

It wasn't so much that he smiled at her that made her reach out and touch him, lightly tracing the outline of his face with her fingers, then rubbing her thumb slowly over his bottom lip. It was that when he smiled at her that way, she knew he had hope, and in doing that it gave her back a little bit of the hope she'd lost.

As she continued to caress him his only thoughts were of how much he missed her. He missed her eyes, and her hair, the way she smelled at night, the way she would smile at you and give you faith that everything would work out, because she wouldn't have it any other way. And slowly before he knew it he brought his hand up to the side of her cheek, and pulled her lips to his. It was the most gentle kiss, barely a kiss at all. But oh could he feel it. The softness of her lips grazing his, it was ecstasy, exactly like he remembered, and in some ways it was like their very first time. He moved to deepen the kiss when he felt her slowly move back.

She looked at him affectionately, grabbing his hand lightly, running her fingers over the tops of his.

"I just....I-I need more...um.," she stuttered trying to convey her thoughts to him properly.

"I understand," he simply said, lacing his fingers through hers. And so they sat, until the pinks and oranges mixed with the blues of the night the night and sunrise came over the horizon in the early morning.


	8. Turnaround

Disclaimer: Well I haven't actually gotten a formal apology from Joss himself, about the whole burning down my factory thing (even though it was only a tool shed and a wooden table, but that doesn't matter). However I have decided to forgive him for the time being seeing as he did create the whole Buffyverse and all, and without which Spike would not be around to make clones out of. So lets all hale Joss Whedon, founder of the Spike Clone, version 2.0! Rock on!

A/N: I'm sorry about the long ass update, really I am, but I was having a bit of writers block, and all that junk, plus I wanted to go back and re-edit the past chapters cuz I just love giving myself extra work! Whoopee. I'd also like to give a shout-out to StickyRice and LoveFuryEnergyPassion, for their Bitchin' reviews, you guys make a writer's dreams come true. This chapter was getting so damn long that I decided to split it into 2 parts, both parts happen in one day, hope its not too confusing. So enjoy chapter 8 kids!

Better Man

Chapter 8

Turnaround

_Look at me losing control_

_Thinking I had a hold_

_But with feelings this strong_

_I'm no longer the master_

_Of my emotions_

Summer's Home- A few days later- 10:32 p.m.

Spike puffed out a breath of air. His throat felt tight, and his head ached with a nauseating pain. He still hadn't answered her question, and for a while he just sat there, trying to think of the right way to put it. He continued to mess with the hem of his shirt, pulling the fabric back and forth through his fingers, his head hung low. He still couldn't come up with an answer for her and it was making him angry, mostly at himself.

"Did you ever have one of those day you wish you could start all over again," was his only reply.

*********************************************

 Earlier that day- 9:35 a.m.

Buffy let a yawn as she made her way downstairs. Her mind felt hazy from just waking up, but she managed to contemplate the dream she'd just experienced. It was the same dream she always had, at least since everything happened last year.

Bit by bit she would walk her way through the dream, every night making it closer to finding out the source. She wasn't sure if it was some sort of slayer dream or not, but she wanted - no needed to find out why she was having them.

A thought began to occur to her before she walked into the kitchen.

"No way." She paused, wide eyed starring at the sight before her.

On the island was a beautiful blue vase, holding a single red rose. Just in front of that was a small glass of milk and a plate full of homemade waffles with a pitcher of syrup to the left, and a tiny note to the right.

Buffy peered around the kitchen, looking for the person who had gone to all this trouble for her.

"Spike," she called out, but received no answer.

She then sat down on the stool and picked up the white piece of folded paper.

            _Buffy,_

_Thought you deserved to wake up to breakfast already made. Waffles are your favorite right? Hope you enjoy._

_                                                                                    Spike_

She folded the note back to its original form and brought it up to her face, kissing it lightly before setting it back down on the table.

**********************************

Earlier that morning- 7:42 a.m.

He'd been watching t.v. for the past 9 hours in a state of zombie-like insomnia, until he heard Dawn come down stairs closely followed by Willow.

"Hey Spike, you just get up, "she asked coming into the living room.

"Not quite," he replied rubbing his eyes with his fingers.

She watched him for a moment, seeing that he hadn't moved from the position he was lying in from the night before.

"Spike, did you stay awake all night?"

"Pretty much."

"Spike! I can't believe you. I swear, if I wasn't in such a rush right now I'd give you a stern talking to mister, but unfortunately it'll have to wait till later," she shook her head at him in dismay.

"I'll look forward to it," he laughed.

******************************

11:00 a.m.

Here's the thing Spike wasn't really use to being this productive during the day, especially in the morning. But because he couldn't seem to sleep for any length of time, that left him with a lot of energy to burn off.  So presently he was running through the streets of Sunnydale in a vain attempt to rid all the thoughts from his head. 

What had that kiss meant?  Why had neither of them spoken of it? He wanted to ask Buffy these questions, but feared that it might push her away, or scare her off. Part of him didn't care at this point either way, he just wanted to know how she felt. But a bigger part of him wanted to wait, knew it was important to give her space when it came down the two of them.

He made his way around the corner and down Revello Drive. He slowed to a jog as he crossed into the Summer's back yard and into the kitchen. God he was so thirsty. He needed about a gallon of water to cool him off.

He grabbed a cup from the cupboard and stuck it under the faucet, then brought the glass to his mouth letting the cool liquid fill his throat.

"Well I wondered when you were gonna reappear," Buffy said from behind him.

He turned from the sink to face her, pulling the shirt he wore off his body and balling it up in his hands so that he could wipe the sweat from his face.

Buffy watched him do this, fascinated by the way his muscles moved underneath his skin, the way his face was slightly flushed from running.

After he was finished, he brought the shirt from his face and placed it on the counter behind him, quickly catching Buffy's stare.

"Did you miss me while I was gone?"

" Huh, what............oh, you wish," she snapped back at him, regaining her composure.

"Well actually I was thinking we could finish that kiss we started a couple nights ago," he said, adding a silky smoothness to his voice. As he came around the island, he brushed his body slightly against hers, before stopping in front of her.

She watched him circle her, smelling the heady scent that was coming off of him. She tilted her head up to look into his eyes, as he slowly ran his had over her cheek and into her hair.

"Oh I see what it's like now."

"And what would that be luv?"

"You make me breakfast, and then all of a sudden I owe you something," she breathed out, smiling a little when she saw the shocked expression appear on his face.

"Well what's a bloke gotta do to get a a little thank you around here," he retorted bringing his lips closer to hers, stopping just before they touched. 

He lingered a moment, searching her face, "Tell me what you want Buffy."

She looked into his eyes, feeling all the emotions that he was right at that second in time. Knowing she had all the power over the next step in their relationship.

"This," she whispered, raising her face to meet his.

**********************************************

It was around 11:05 a.m. when Willow made it to her student aid job on the UC Sunnydale campus. The class didn't actually begin until 11:45, but she didn't mind. Always be the early bird, was her motto. Always be anal and compulsive was what Xander called it.

She made her way down the corridor and into the 300 seat lecture hall for Professor Hilton's Organic Chemistry class.

A small wooden desk sat in the corner of the room, a few fill folders stacked on top with a note stuck to them.

            _Willow,_

_                 Please grade these exams before Monday._

_                                    Thank you,_

_                                                            Hilton_

Even the professor knew she would be early, maybe she was a bit neurotic about being on time. She dispelled the thoughts from her head, grabbing the folders, and then sitting down at the desk. She sifted through them one by one, catching a few wrong answers here or there. 

She glanced at her watch: 11:08, _I better go over my notes,_ she thought, reaching into her bag. Once a week she taught the class herself, after going over the notes with Professor Hilton the week before.

Willow pulled her bag up onto the desk opening it wide for a better view. She realized after searching the backpack for a couple of moments that she'd accidently left them at home on the dining room table from the night before.

"Frilly heck," she said aloud, puffing a breath of air out

She had to hurry, she only had a half an hour before class started.

***************************************

Willow ran up to the front door of Casa de Summer's pausing a to take a breath. She pushed the door open softly, padding her way into the two-story home. 

A few whispers from the other room caused her to look around the corner of the stairway.

And that's when she saw Spike and Buffy. She wasn't able to quite make out what they we're saying, but it really didn't matter, their physical actions were speaking louder than words.

Before Willow had time to think of a logical reason to come break up their moment, she was already in the room.

"You know what I hate," she said running into the kitchen.

Buffy and Spike jumped back from their embrace, standing side by side, neither one daring to move.

"Hey Will what's up," Buffy said calmly.

Willow paced around the kitchen nervously trying to find an excuse about being in the room. "I hate forgetting things. Like today I got all the way to class when I realized I forgot my notes and my sharpy."

"You're sharpy," Spike asked confused.

"My trusty blue pen, never lets me down, always full of ink, but that's what's great about pens ya know."

"Well I think I might have seen your notes in the dining room," Buffy stated watching Willow move back and forth.

"Right, right of course, I'll just be going and  getting them then," she said a second later, leaving them alone.

Spike turned to Buffy looking at her somewhat frustrated. "That kinda ruined the moment."

"Pretty much," she chuckled.

"Well ducks, I'd wager that I'm not smellin' all that minty fresh right now, so I'm gonna hop in the shower. But will finish this later," he asked a sexy smirk spread across his face.

Buffy felt him run his hand up her back and through her hair, knowing full well what he was trying to do.

"Perhaps," she replied, biting her bottom lip innocently.

"You'll be the death of me Buffy."

"Too late."

"Oh, right," he laughed, stepping out of the room.

Buffy was so caught up in watching him walk away she didn't notice Willow come up on her other side.

"Buffy do you have any clue what you're doing," she asked feverishly.

Buffy ran a hand over her face, flustered as what to say to her friend's sudden out burst."I'm sorry, I'm confused, would you mind telling me what you're talking about?"

"I walk in here and I see you and Spike all ready to get you're freak on in the middle of the kitchen, when you're boyfriend, Angel, is three hours away pinning for you at this very moment."

"Whoa, wait a second. Me and Spike were not about to get any kind of Freak on what-so-ever, especially in my kitchen, it was a only going to be one kiss that's all."

Willow tilted her head, giving the blonde a stern look. "Only one? Buffy?"

"Ok, maybe it wasn't the first time but we didn't actually kiss this time s—."

"Buffy, what are you doing? I thought you loved Angel?"

"I do, it's just, I don't know......I can't.....things are different now, I feel different now," she paused unable to think of what to tell her friend. "I don't have all the answers Willow."

"Neither do I, but you gotta realize this is a sensitive situation Buffy. A lot of people's feelings hang in the balance here. You have to be careful with you're choices. I know you don't want to here that, and I'm sorry. But it's the truth."

"I just want to be happy," she softly said.

"And I just want you to be happy. I do. I've made my peace with the whole you and Spike thing along time ago, and whatever you choose, whoever you choose, I'll support it. That's what crazy friend's like me are for." Willow smiled, grabbing Buffy's hand and giving it a squeeze.

Buffy looked up at her friend, "Thank you," she smiled back. "You know I kinda love you right?"

"Yeah well, I'm awfully easy to love."

"Darn tootin'," Buffy replied, as they both came together in a hug.

*************************************************

12:25

A little later Buffy sat in the kitchen consumed with her thoughts. She sipped at the warm mug of herbal tea in her hand, contemplating what to do next. The logical answer of course would be to tell Spike about everything.

But would that make anyone feel better? It would obviously ease her guilt, but in the process also drudge up years of unresolved issues.

Spike vs. Angel. Why did it always come down to the two of them.

_I have to tell him, it's the right thing to do, _she told herself.

No sooner had she made up her mind when she then felt a pair of warm hands come around her waist, pulling her into a soft embrace.

"You look beautiful," Spike whispered, "sittin' here all by yourself. What are you thinking about?"

"Well it's funny that you should ask, because there was something that I wanted to tell you," Buffy said, pulling away and turning to face him.

"Is that right,"he asked, running his fingers lightly up and down her arm.

"Yeah, yep, that's right," she replied, as he moved his hand up to her face, brushing his fingers over her lips and causing her to close her eyes from the sensations he was provoking.

"And what would that be pet," he uttered, bringing his mouth to hers.

Buffy knew she should stop him because he needed to know the truth, but at that moment in time she couldn't seem to stop herself.

"Well..............."

***************************************

12:20 p.m.

Xander Harris slumped down in his plastic chair. He absolutely, positively loathed eating lunch in the lime green break room the construction company has set up for the employee's  to dine in. A room in which he and his cow-workers had dutifully dammed the Pig Troff.

For one, it eternally smelled of questionable odor, it always seemed to have sticky table tops and floors, and the microwave never worked. Of course on the off chance you got lucky, it would inevitably burn your food to a black crispy inedible substance.

Yep, Xander truly despised eating lunch in the Pig Troff.

He continued to sulk for a moment before pulling out a roast-beef sandwich and a bag of barbeque chips from his lunch sack. He then placed them on top of the napkin covering his section of the table.

For some reason he really didn't feel like eating right then. Maybe it was the smell. Today the whole entire room reeked of rotten tuna fish.

He took a drink from his bottled water before grabbing his cell-phone from his pocket and hitting the speed dial. He waited a few seconds until he heard Buffy's agitated voice on the other end.

"Yeah?"

"Hey Buffster, it's me, whatcha doin'?"

"Uh...nothing, just talking with Spike, why? What do you need?"

"Well hello to you to Queen Crabby pants," he snapped back.

"I'm sorry Xander, I was just kind of in the middle of something, what's up?"

"Well first off know one would go to lunch with me today, so I thought about calling Willow but then I realized she was in class. Then I thought about going across the street to this little diner that sells hot cakes. Can you imagine that? I don't even know what a hot cake is, but it sounds cool ya know. So anyways I was gonna go over there but then I thought, heck, I already made my lunch might as well eat it," he said finishing his story.

Buffy waited for him to continue but when there was only silence on the other end she spoke, "Is that all?"

"Are you busy or something," he asked, picking at his sandwich.

"Yeah kinda am, so getting to the point would be of the good right about now," she replied watching Spike enter the living room.

"Oh right, um, are we having another research party thingy tonight," he asked nonchalantly.

"I don't know, actually I hadn't thought about it," she said walking into the other room towards Spike. "Do you want to research some more tonight," Xander heard her say through the phone.

"No we'll pass, but how about Friday," Buffy questioned a minute later.

"I'm down with that."

"Ok I'll talk to you later Xand."

"Catch ya on the flip side Buff," he responded flipping his phone shut and placing it back in his pocket.

He made a disgusted look at the food in front of him before grabbing a nearby trash can and shoving it all in. He gathered up his hard hat and tool belt on the chair beside him then turning to walk out the door, rubbing his belly with a smile. 

"Hot cakes here I come."

**************************************

'We're not havin' much luck with this whole thing are we," Spike asked Buffy when she came back into the room.

"Not so much," she answered.

He watched her pick up a knife from the weapons chest in the corner of the room, fiddling with it as she walked up to him.

"So lets get out of here then, go some where with no distractions," he smiled, grabbing her arm, and linking it with is.

"And where would we go per say?"

"I was thinkin' you might show me that shiny new school of your's," he replied, pulling her towards the door.

"You don't fool me Speed Racer, you just want to try out the equipment," she said grabbing her purse and keys off the coffee table.

"You know it."

*************************************

A couple hours later, Buffy and Spike lay on the blue and red mats of the self-defense school, sweat dripping off their foreheads and through their clothes.

"Pay up."

"What", Buffy raised her head from where she was laying, an ambiguous expression on her face.

"I said, pay up."

"No way am I gonna pay you 20 bucks when I obviously won that round."

"Your lying out your ass slayer, I won that match fair and square, so pay me my 20 bucks, or I might have to resort to a more diabolical strategy," Spike said 

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Come and get me bleach boy."

Spike jumped up from his position, running at Buffy full speed until he was in front of her. Without a blink of an eye she side swiped him with her leg, causing him to fall to the floor with crash. He pushed himself off the ground with the strength of his legs and tried to grab her by the arm, instead catching only air. At the same time Buffy circled Spike trying to hit him from behind with her foot. 

 They sparred back and forth for the next 30 minutes, until finally they both decided to call a truce, neither one willing to risk losing money.

"You're pretty good for an old timer," Buffy teased, "maybe you should come teach with me."

"I don't think you could afford me, I'm way over qualified," he said taking a seat beside her on the floor snatching his water bottle from the ground.

"Yeah, but most of your recommendations are evil, so there immediately canceled out."

"True," he responded, looking around the small building, noticing a few pictures scattered on the walls, a few ribbons here or there from some of the students who had won awards in karate competitions.

"You've got yourself a real nice set up here luv."

"Well it didn't start out that way, a lot of blood and sweat went into this place, and with the help of many people's hands," she said glancing to her favorite picture on the far wall. She stood in the middle of the photo, Willow to her right, Dawn to her left, and Xander to the left of her. Each of them had their arms out stretched, huge smiles crossing each of their faces, while Buffy's school stood in the background, a large red satin bow covering the glass the doors, an OPEN sign just above it.

Spike noticed the photo she was staring at and smiled to himself. "Your one hell of a resilient group, I'll give ya that."

"I guess so," she said almost uncertain.

"Why do I get the feeling your not all with the warm fuzzies," he searched her face, knowing she was thinking something that she wasn't telling him.

"Spike you know I love my friends, I'd do pretty much anything for them, but it's been a hard year and we've all had our own struggles, and blah blah blah. I'm just ready to move on now, I know Willow and Xander are," she finished, a far off look in her eyes.

Spike watched her emotions flash over her face and in her eyes, knew that deep down the past year had been the hardest for her. She'd had the most to lose when it came the end, and like many others she'd had to deal with the fall out afterward. He wanted ask her what it had been like, losing a _father_ and so many friends, but knew that she would tell him when she was ready, when it was the right time. 

"So tell me about what happened, with your friends I mean."

"You wanna know about my friends," Buffy asked in amazement.

"Hey when have I ever not cared about your friends," he retorted.

"Mostly, never."

"Ok, ok, I might not have been Mr. Rogers when it came to your mates, but I care now, is that enough," he said a look of sincere regret upon his face.

"You really want to know," she asked, continuing when he nodded in assent. "Well, after Giles and Anya's funeral we all kind of huddled into our own little cocoon for along time. This was the most loss any of us had ever had to deal with and we coped the way we usually do, first there was denial, then more denial, and finally more denial. I don't know, I mean know one had a mental break down, know one went on a killing spree, so overall I'd say the Scooby gang came out ok," she paused for a moment contemplating what she had just said.

"But it was really hard for Xander when Anya died, he saw everything, and I have no idea how he handled it. He's so strong. I swear I called him ten times a day, every day for like 6 months just to make sure he was ok. Willow and me kept trying to convince him to move in with us, but he wanted to stay in his apartment, said it held good memories. Willow's a whole other story. She's seriously been the rock, I don't know how she does it, but she takes care of us all now, like a little mother hen."

"Whatever happened to that Kennedy chick," Spike asked when he she didn't say anything for a while.

"Oh, um, they tried to stay together after everything happened but it was difficult. She just wanted to be near her family, and Willow wanted to be with us, they were in very different places in their lives. So in the end they went their separate ways. It was for the best."

"Do you wanna talk about something else pet," he asked a moment later, as he saw her eyes darken, her demeanor change.

"Actually I think I'm ready to go home, "Buffy answered quietly standing up.

"Lead the way luv."

******************************************

3:15 p.m.

Dawn strutted through the hallway of Sunnydale high-school, a black leather messenger bag slung over her left shoulder. She came around the corner involved in thinking of her plans for the weekend, when she suddenly slammed right into Maddox Kern.

"Ow, walk much," Dawn cried rubbing the side of her upper arm.

Maddox looked up from the ground where he was collecting his books, presently unable to think of anything to say.

"Watch where you're going when you run down the hall," she said, annoyed when he continued to just stare at her.

He ran a hand through his messy dark curls, "I'm sorry," he uttered.

Dawn suddenly felt a pang of regret. She didn't mean to be such a bitch to him, but the fact that he followed her around like puppy dog was turning out to be more irritating than cute, or so she thought.

"Here," she said picking up a book he'd forgotten on the ground, "I don' t mean to be so lame, it's just been a long day, and I found out last period that Mr. Dillflippo is going to give 45 question quiz tomorrow on D-Day, and unless I memorize the entire chapter in 24 hours, it's gonna be my own personal D-Day for my report card."

"Um, I actually was on my way to the public library, if you want you can come with and we could study together, it's totally up to you," he said shifting the books back and forth in his arms nervously.

"What's your grade in that class," she asked.

"An A minus."

"I'm there," she said smiling at him as they made their way down the hall, side by side.

*************************************************************

From the second they'd walked into the house, Spike knew things were different. All the closeness he'd felt before was slowly melting away right in front of him, and he was powerless to stop it.

As the couple treaded into the living room Spike found himself reaching out to touch her, to try  to feel what she was thinking, but it was no use. She was already beginning to push him away. And he didn't know what he could do anymore.

He sat down on the sofa and watched her walk up the staircase, for a shower. He looked around the silent room, trying to think of way to make things better for her, _she deserves such happiness, _he thought.

Ten minutes later he was fast asleep.

Buffy meanwhile stood under the shower head, the heat of the water pouring down her back, her muscles inadvertently relaxing from all the pent up frustration she'd had since that morning. A million thoughts coursed through her mind, and she was able to concentrated on only one. Spike.

She knew she was pushing him away and she hated it. Hated herself for doing it. But it was the only answer right? Once she told him about Angel he would .......well she didn't know what he'd do, but the outcome would never end right. It was so difficult to tell him how she really felt, knew he needed to know. But how was she supposed to tell him, if she was unsure?

Buffy didn't know how long she was in the shower for, and it really didn't matter. What did matter as she came out of the bathroom and into her bedroom, was that she'd decided to tell him the truth, about the past, about the present, about how she felt, everything.

She pulled a pair of faded jeans from her dresser and a light blue v-neck shirt from her closet. When she was finished pulling her hair up into a simple ponytail, she padded her way downstairs.

_ I have to tell him......... I'm going to tell him.....he needs to know......he deserves to know_, where the only thoughts running through her mind when she rounded the corner and came into the living room, Spike asleep on the sofa. He was resting on the far left side of the couch, his head lay on top of his arm, his chest constricting in and out with his even breaths.

Buffy observed him in silence. He was so innocent when he slept, so vulnerable, and she felt cruel for wanting to wake him up, only to hurt him. She had never watched him sleep before, all the times they had been together in the past, and even at the very end when they were the closest, she never took the time to truly see how beautiful he really was.

Slowly she padded over to where he was, easing herself down next him. Ever so carefully she molded herself to the side his body, feeling the warmth of his skin next to her, it felt so nice she thought, just to be here with him like this. She lay her  head against his shoulder and just sat there, listening to his gentle heartbeat, his quiet breaths. 

When she moved slightly Spike fluttered open his eyes, readjusting them to the light, when he saw Buffy lying next to him.

"Hey," she said smiling up at him.

"Hey yourself. Are you feelin' better?"

"What do you mean," she asked  somewhat defensively.

"You seemed like you were a bit down earlier, or mad at me, can't ever really tell the difference with you," he yawned, with nonchalance, knowing he was teasing her.

She looked at him disdainfully, knowing that she needed to get it over with and tell him; but it was making her feel sick inside, like a swarm of butterflies were flopping around in her stomach. "Yeah I'm good, thanks."

He watched as she at up right on the couch, returning to her behavior at the gym. "What's wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong with me, what's wrong with you," she snapped.

"See that right there, what have I done to piss you off?"

"Nothing, you haven't done anything, let's just drop it ok." She got up off the couch pacing around the room, adverting her eyes to anything but him.

He could tell she wasn't being honest about her feelings, and so he walked up behind her, lightly placing a hand on her shoulder to make her face his way. "Well something is obviously bothering you, why won't you just tell me?"

"Read my lips," she said jerking away," I'm fine.  I. AM. FINE."

"Why are you lying to me," he shouted, as she walked into the kitchen.

Buffy didn't know why she was provoking an argument between them, but it always seemed easier to deal with things this way, when they fought. "I'm not lying to you Spike, see that's were you've got it wrong, you're the one that lies to me remember, not the other way around."

He stepped back from her, pain seeping through his blue eyes. "That's not fair," he spoke quietly, "I've changed, you know that. Now stop fighting with me, and tell me what the hell is going on. I know anything it's you Buffy, you don't get like this unless it's serious. Please, please don't shut me out."

She stood a few feet from him, staring out the window at the tree in the back yard. The sun was slowly beginning to set in the background, casting shadows across the lawn. _It'ss now or never_, she thought. 

She didn't move at first just simply asked, "Did you miss me?"

"Every second," he replied coming closer to her.

"I missed you too," she stated, turning towards him now, "But things changed after we defeated the First. I changed."

"That doesn't matter to me. All that matters is right now," he grabbed her hand linking it with his own, softly rubbing the top with his thumb.

"No I'm trying to tell you that–," she tried to finish her sentence but was cut off when Spike's mouth collided with hers. His lips seared into hers with such passion and lust that Buffy felt weak in the knees.  She grabbed onto his neck pulling him down to deepen the kiss.  And for a moment neither of them felt anything else but the heat from each other's body, the softness of their lips. When they broke apart for air, Spike ran his hand over Buffy's cheek, an affectionate smile across his face. " Listen to me luv, there's something I want you to know. When I died I might have gone to heaven, or hell, or  limbo, or somewhere in between, I don't know. What I do know is that you were always with me. You were my anchor through it all. And I never stopped loving you."

She looked into his eyes, tears welling up inside her, "Spike I–."

The ring of the phone behind them brought them back to reality. Buffy puffed out a breath of air, before picking it up.

"Hello. Hi dawn. You what? Oh ok, that's fine. What time? Oh my god, I gotta go, No it's ok I'll figure it out. OK bye."

She hung up the phone and turned back to Spike, a worried expression on his face. " That was Dawn, she needs someone to pick her up from the library. I told her I would do it, but I have a class to teach in 15 minutes. Is there any chance that you could get her?"

"Of course."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said running out of the room and up the stairs.

When she came back down a couple minutes later, she walked up to him seeing him sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea.

"Alright I've got to go, or I'll have about 25 angry paying customers on my hands," she said pulling his hand from the table into her own," but we'll talk when I get back."

"Don't be too long," he grinned, tilting his head slightly.

"I promise," she replied, bringing his hand up, and softly kissing his knuckles.  Then smiling at him as she left the room.

He waited until he heard the front door click shut before he grabbed the motorcycle keys from the counter.

************************************

6:45 p.m.

Dawn and Spike leisurely made there way up the sidewalk in front of 1630 Revello Drive. It hadn't been to difficult for Dawn to convince Spike to take her for pizza, especially after he had made such a spectacle of seeing her and Maddox together in front of the library. Yes he had huffed and puffed like a good father figure should, completely terrifying Maddox into a withering pile of nervous jelly, all the while embarrassing Dawn. She didn't really mind too much, in fact she actually enjoyed his being over-protective, to a degree, of course she didn't tell him that. And so an hour and half later, they finally made their way through the front door and into the Summer's living room. 

However, the exact second Spike sat down he knew something was different. He stood up, observing the room around him. Heavy shades had been drawn in front of all the windows, causing the house to take on a much darker appeal, something he couldn't remember ever noticing before.

He walked into the foyer, in front of the staircase, looking around.

"What's wrong," Dawn asked coming up beside him.

"What's with all the shades, bit," he asked, looking at her.

"Well, those would be for me," Angel declared, slowly clasping his hands together.

A/N: Is this like the longest chapter in history or what? Ok I know you're all dying to see what happens next, but only if you review ;) I'm evil, I know!!


	9. Turnaround Part 2

Disclaimer: So me and Jossy were talking the other day, and I was asking him if I could make a Spike clone for myself. Well he turns around from his work table, looks me straight in the eyes, quirks up his eyebrow and asks, 'What for?' I laugh at him amusingly, and say 'For what else, the obvious of course, to play racket ball with.' He looks down to the ground, shaking his head in dismay, and says 'Finn you have many many problems.' Sadly that might be true, but it's nothing a naked Spike wouldn't cure.

A/N: Thank you all for the reviews, I love them, keep them coming!! We're just getting into the thick-of-it, so stay with me, I still promise those cookies!!! The quote from this chapter and the last is by Tracey Chapman. Enjoy my pretties!

Better Man

Chapter 8 

Turnaround- Part 2

_You got a fast car_

_I want a ticket to anywhere_

_Maybe we make a deal_

_Maybe together we can get somewhere_

_Anyplace is better_

_Starting from zero got nothing to lose_

_Maybe we'll make something_

_But me myself I got nothing to prove_

Silence. 

No one moved. 

Spike and Angel stared at each other, neither one knowing what to say. For a minute all Dawn could do from the anxiety was hold her breath and hope for the best. Finally she decided to speak, praying that it would break the ice.

"Angel you're back," she blurted out," why? I mean when...when did you get back?"

He continued to glare at Spike his eyes never leaving him, "An hour ago."

Dawn smiled and nodded her head, ever so slowly inching out of the room to get Buffy. She was almost home clear when Spike suddenly came out of his stupor.

"Surprise Peaches, I'm home," he glowered, a tight smile on his face, a smile that never reached his eyes.

Angel unclasped his hands, cracking his knuckles leisurely. "Yeah I know, Buffy told me. My question is, why are you here Spike?"

"You know why," he clenched his jaw.

"Oh really, because the last time I checked I lived here, and Buffy was my girlfriend, so that still doesn't explain your presence."

He felt like he'd been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer, all the blood suddenly draining from his face. _Girlfriend? His Girlfriend? Together. Why didn't she tell me. Made me believe that we had a chance. Made me think that she loved........_his thoughts trailed off as he took a step back towards the door, unable to speak. He was ready to leave, to runaway, anything to be free from the pain that was crushing his heart. But as he turned around, Buffy came into the room, a blank expression on her face.

 And then he knew.

He knew that she was just as lost as he was. She didn't know what she wanted, he could see it in her eyes. The reality should have destroyed him, but instead it simply gave him hope. Hope that what happened between them the last few days was as real for him as it was for her. And Spike was not ready or willing to give up on that. Not in this lifetime.

He watched her walk up beside Angel, her external emotions never revealing her true feelings. Angel then taking her hand in his, and for a moment no one spoke.

"You knew this day would come Angel, are you ready for it," he ground out, a vicious look slowly making its way on his face, as he inched himself forward.

"Are you," Angel mocked, dropping Buffy's hand.

"Since the day we met," he replied, a steely gaze in his eyes.

Angel moved closer to Spike, never flinching, "Lets get this over with them," he stated as they came at each other with tremendous force. 

Angel threw his arm into Spike's jaw, causing him to back step. Spike recovered quickly and rammed his fist into Angel's left ribcage, making him double over in pain. Neither had the chance to do much damage before they each felt a small, but powerful hand push them apart.

"HEY, HEY, HEY, you two in the kitchen now," Buffy yelled, pulling them behind her by the arms.

At the same time, Willow and Xander came running down the stairs, curious about all the commotion. They came up behind Dawn who was standing just out of view from the kitchen door.

"Whoa, what in all that is holy, is going on down here, "Xander whispered to Dawn.

She tilted her head back towards them, "Well I'm not totally sure, they were being really cryptic, but it was something akin to, 'I hate you,' 'No, I hate you more,' and so forth, but you get the gist," she said craning her neck to hear better.

They then heard Buffy's angry voice a second later, "If you don't step back from each other I swear by God I will tie you to a chair and gag you both, now listen to me."

"Oooh, showdown," Xander giggled.

Dawn waved her hand in the air at him, "Shhh, I can't hear."

"If the two of you want to fight like 12 year old boys, then by all means go at it, I'm not gonna stop you. But do not even think about trying it in my house. There has to be a better way for the both of you to deal with this grudge thingy you've got wedged between you like a ten ton truck. Is there any chance at all, you can try to get along.

"No way in Hell," Angel simply responded, shaking his head.

Spike let out an sardonic laugh," Look at that Peaches, you and me actually agree on something, Where's the bloody parade?"

"Shut your mouth Spike."

"Is Nancy Boy comin' over a bit upset, because I'm tellin' the truth?"

"Stop it now," Buffy asserted, putting her hand out to stop Angel and Spike from continuing their banter. "Let's for the record clear something up right off the bat here. Whatever kind of pissing contest the two of you are playing can stop as of now."

"Well that might be kind of difficult pet, seeing as we've been at this for a hundred years. But I'll have you know, he started it," Spike pointed.

"That's mature," Angel uttered, glaring at him.

"It's the truth."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, it all really began with Dru you see."

"This again," Angel yelled, clenching his fist so tight his knuckles became white, "Ok I didn't have a soul at the time. Not my fault."

"Fuck you Angel, "Spike screamed back, moving towards him, "That excuse is way overdue, and you know it.

"Oh really," Angel moved around the counter, using his height as an advantage to make the blonde man feel intimidated.

"Yeah really" Spike answered, refusing to give in, then moving closer, until they were a few feet away, " So quite playing the innocent boy act. You knew exactly what you were doing.. You take everything away from me, you always have!"

"Maybe that's because it wasn't yours to begin with," he was standing in front of him now, an arms reach away.

 Spike stared into his eyes, unable to keep the look of hate from his face. "Oh so your name was on it, I see-."

"STOP," Spike was cut off by Buffy's shout, her hand yanking him back onto his side of the room, then proceeding to so the same with Angel. A furious expression darkening her eyes. "This is stopping now. I've got a few things to say and that's the end of it," She looked back and forth between them making sure they were listening before she continued, a stern face directed towards Angel," You are not Dawson.  You. Are. Not. Pacey. And I am definitely too short to be Joey. So lets give the teen melodrama a rest for like 5 minutes ok. No one's killing any one to night, there will be no WWF Smackdown, Spike will stay on the couch where he's been, Angel will take my room, and I will stay with Dawn. Is that understood?"

She watched both of them, prepared to fight an entire war if need be. Angel gave a disappointed look as he came up next to her. "But Buffy what about us," he asked quietly, watching Spike from the corner of his eye.

Buffy turned to face him, stepping back a bit, to put distance between them both. "Angel right now I just need time to figure everything out." She paused for a moment as if thinking of how to say what she was feeling properly. 

But Spike interjected to quickly, an edgy roughness to his voice. "Ya know what, I'm actually not alright with this. How about you and lover boy stay in your room, I'll find a place of my own, and we'll all be happy, savvy?"

He didn't wait for an answer, simply turned around and rushed out the room. Buffy didn't hesitate to follow him, grabbing him by the elbow, before he reached the front door.

"Will you hold on a damn second," she breathed out.

"Why, so I can watch you and Mr. Hair Gel sail away into the night? No thanks, I'd rather stick hot pokers into my eyes, and swish 'em around in my brain a bit." he yelled back at her, pulling his arm away. She jumped in front of him this time, so that he couldn't move forward.

"I'm not going to fight with you about this, I want you to stay Spike, but I need time," she looked at him with sincere honesty.

However, Spike didn't buy it, he knew his feelings were black or white, why shouldn't hers be as well. "You don't need time Buffy, this is really a one or the other kind o f choice."

She moved away from him, upset by his insensitivity, "So I'm supposed to make a life altering decision that involves not only myself, but two other people, in the blink of an eye," she questioned him.

He brought his hand up to caress her face, softening his demeanor, "When it comes to choosing who you love, it really shouldn't be that hard. I wasn't for me," he finished, sadness creeping into his eyes.

Buffy pushed his hand away, pulling back from him, uncaring, "Well I'm not you am I," she said, walking away, leaving Spike alone and heartbroken.

******************************

Everyone had scattered to different parts of the house after Buffy went to bed. Willow had decided to leave with Xander around 9:30, and Dawn had fretted over Spike for the last few hours, but he wouldn't let her, contending that he only wanted to be left alone.

She paced around the first floor for a while, before she noticed Angel sitting in the family room alone, his body reclined back into the sofa, as he stared at the ceiling.

"This is crazy," Dawn said, attempting to make conversation. She knew she wasn't getting anything out of Buffy or Spike, so that left her one unappealing, yet highly available alternative.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way," he said bringing his head up.

"Yeah well, this wouldn't be Casa de Summer's, if wildly insane things didn't happen every other day," she responded.

"I guess, but this is so strange. Where did he come from, why is he back, something's not right and I have a feeling he's up to no good. I want to find out what's going on, and soon," he stated a million thoughts running through his mind.

"Yeah I'm curious myself to know why he's back," she lied, trying to go along with him. She wanted information about what happened tonight, but being forced to deal with his inane personality, was beginning to grate on her nerves.

"Whatever the reason is I'm sure he has some ulterior motive, Spike always does. And there never for anyone's benefit but his own," Angel said, waiting for her to agree.

"If that's what you think," she responded blandly.

"You've been around long enough to know he's worthless Dawn," he paused, thinking for a minute, "So do you want to help me find out what's going on with him, you're on my side in this?"

That really was all it took. The word _worthless_ seemed to echo throughout the room, building her anger that much stronger. She's almost wanted to laugh when he'd said it. Instead she stayed emotionless, standing up from the couch, and facing him directly. She glared down at him, the softness of her usual voice all but gone when she spoke.

"There's no denying that Spike has done some awful things, things that hurt us and him. There's no denying that he's been horrible to all of us at one time or another. And he will continue to screw up because that's Spike, and we'll all forgive him. And there's no denying that you have done a lot for Buffy, been there when she really needed someone. But do not be mistaken, I never have, nor will I ever, be on your side when it comes to Spike."

She didn't wait for a response, an emotional or physical reaction, simply walked out of the room and up the stairs, never looking back.

***************************

It was an hour later when Dawn rolled over in her bed, unable to sleep. She looked over to her nightstand and glanced at her clock: 10:25. She'd been trying to fall asleep but nothing was working. She flopped back down onto her pillow, pulling the purple chenille blanket up to her chest. But it was no use, and a few minutes later she got up and walked down stairs.

Dawn went into the kitchen and grabbed a small glass from the cupboard, filling it halfway with lemonade from the refrigerator. She took a few sips, before she noticed the back door was slightly ajar. She went over and look through the window, seeing Spike sitting on the porch his, face hidden by his hands.

"How long have you been out here," Dawn asked, sitting next to him.

"Does it matter," he managed to get out.

Dawn stared at him, wishing she could comfort him with a hug, knowing that it wouldn't help him right now," Yes, it matters to me, and it matters to Buffy. You just have to be patient Spike. Your relationship hasn't been all flowers and chocolate candies, you can't blame her for being cautious."

She watched him stare at the ground, silent. "Talk to me, say something, please."

The words didn't come, not the ones he knew she wanted to hear, that everything would be ok, that if he waited for her then the sun would shine, and the world would be a happy place. But it wasn't true, it was never true.

"Maybe it's time I finally leave Dawnie," he tilted his head to look at her.

"Are you kidding me? Do you honestly think that after everything that's happened I'm just gonna let you leave now? Your sorrily mistaken my brotha, your stuck with me, and that's just the way it is," she teased, smiling at him when she saw a small grin slide onto his face. It didn't last long though, before he reverted back to his sullen visage.

Dawn scooted closer to him, lowering her voice, "I don't know what all happened tonight, but I do know she's wants you here Spike, or else she wouldn't have asked you to stay. So tell me what you're thinking," she asked him.

Spike puffed out a breath of air. His throat felt tight, and his head ached with a nauseating pain. He still hadn't answered her question, and for a while he just sat there, trying to think of the right way to put it. He continued to mess with the hem of his shirt, pulling the fabric back and forth through his fingers, his head hung low. He still couldn't come up with an answer for her and it was making him angry, mostly at himself.

"Did you ever have one of those day you wish you could start all over again," was his only reply.

"Yeah every week, it's usually Tuesdays," she shrugged.

"You're a sarcastic lil' brat aren't you," he chuckled.

"I'm your brat though," she said wrapping her arms around him, and resting her chin on his shoulder.

"That you are," he smiled to himself, "that you are."

A/N: Awww isn't that sweet, don't ya just love it when Dawn isn't being all whiny and complaining Yeah me too. Until next time kiddies.  **Don't forget to review!!!!!!**


	10. Into the Light

Disclaimer: _Dear Joss, _

_            After careful consideration, and much debate, I will have to respectfully disincline to acquiesce your request, to become your new sex goddess. In other words, NO! While I do fancy you and your lovely Buffyverse, I'm afraid my heart lies with Spike and Spike alone. Now please stop sending me letters, calling me, and leaving flowers on my front stoop. Got it!? On second thought you can keep bringing me chocolate._

_                                                            Sincerely, Finn_

A/N: Ok everyone, this is a short little blurb of a chapter, and I apologize for that, but the next few weeks are going to be hectic with me going back to school and all that jazz. So keep on reading and reviewing, I really love to read the reviews, so feel free to say whatever you like, constructive criticism is just as good as praise. That's all for now, enjoy Chapter 9 my friends!

Better Man

Chapter 9

Into the Light

_Am I ready for forever? _

_Oh, God, show me a sign_

_'__Cause if we're to be together___

_Then it's got to be divine_

Buffy looked around the long narrow corridor she was standing in, and felt lost. Everything around her was a pristine shade of white, as if it had never been touched before. She stepped up to the door closest to her and tried to open it, noticing that there was no doorknob. She peered at the rest of the doors in the hall, about 15 on one side and 15 on the other, until the walls met at the end with another identical door.

Time seemed to stand still as Buffy flowed down the hallway. The air around her was cool and soothing. There was no fear, no pain, only tranquility. She heard soft, faint voices whispering her name from the different doors, each one getting stronger the farther she got.

As she reached the last door, she saw a line of light shine through the slit below. She slowly felt the knob turn under her grasp, could feel how close she was to finding what was on the other side as the door creaked open.

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, momentarily blinded from the brightness of the light. As her eyes adjusted, she saw a white marble desk sitting in the middle of the room, a white barrister chair facing the opposite wall. She gingerly stepped up to the desk, trying to look around the chair, trying to speak, but no words would come. Before she could move around the desk, the still chair slowly began to turn.

Just before she saw who the occupant of the room was, she felt someone shake her. Then heard Dawn's distinct voice coming at her from the background.

"Buffy, wake up......hey, Buffy, time to get up, you don't want to be late for your Saturday morning class," she said, as shook her shoulder.

Buffy flickered her eyes open, watching her sister stand over her.

"I'm up, I'm up," she groaned, waving Dawn away.

" Well that must have been some dream you were having," Dawn inquired, stepping back from the bed, and moving to open the window shades.

Buffy sat up right on the bed, rubbing the corner of her eyes with her knuckles, "What do you mean?"

"I haven't seen you that deep in sleep for years, so I'm thinking that must've been one hell of dream," Dawn smirked, tracing out of the room.

"It was something like that," she whispered to herself, as she grabbed her robe and headed off towards the bathroom.

*****************************

The rest of the day passed so fast, that Buffy didn't realize it was night, until she stepped outside. Her entire day had consisted of teaching classes at her school, and then preparing for the next class in between breaks.When she finally closed the store at 7:30, to go home, the sky around her was dark shade of misty black. The deserted streets were silent as she walked home.

Buffy let her bags fall off her shoulder once she closed the front door. The sounds of Dawn's footsteps, trumping down the stairs were heard a second later.

"Where is everyone," Buffy asked as Dawn stepped onto the foyer.

"Around," she answered, agitated.

Buffy looked down at the ground, hopelessly trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. "So ...umm.....where's ....Spike?"

Dawn stared at her with conviction, holding her breath, before speaking. "You better find him, and talk to him Buffy, and I mean now."

A/N: And yet another cliffhanger to sink your teeth into. You want to start throwing tomato's at me now? I don't blame you. But no worries, things are about to get very interesting. More Spuffiness lies ahead, I cross my heart!!


	11. Lone Star Heart

Disclaimer: I have been having some trouble with my Spike Clone lately. It seems that in a cruel joke to get back at me, Joss had given my poor Spike Clone an overactive sex drive. So all he does is follow me around hollering at me to 'give it to him good.' And as cute as he is, it just wouldn't be right. Damn Joss and his super genius. Damn him to Hell!

A/N: Sorry for the long update, it's been a mad crazy week for me. Thanks as always to those of you who read and review!! Love ya, love ya, love ya. The quote below is from Nick Carter, and from the last chapter it was Dana Glover. 

Better Man

Chapter 10

Lone Star Heart

_I wish I could define_

_All the thoughts that crossed my mind_

_They seem too big for me to choose_

_I don't know which ones to use_

_When I'm falling down so far_

_I think I'll never see your light_

_Bouncing off of me_

_Shining down here from your eyes_

"Why do I have to find him, where's Spike, Dawn," Buffy nervously questioned her sister.

"He's gone," she uttered, shifting her eyes away.

Buffy moved forward, pulling Dawn towards her. The words Dawn said, reverberating through the room and in her head.

"Gone," was all she managed to say. She'd meant it more as a question, but the hopelessness in her heart seemed to carry through to her voice. All the while, Dawn watched Buffy's expressions change, she herself beginning to feel uneasy.

"Well he's not gone, gone, he's out fro a walk-gone, but ya know, same difference," she shrugged her shoulders, a restive smile on her face.

Buffy let out a small inner sigh of relief at her sister's last words, an irritated mask covering her features, "I should kick you for that."

Dawn took a step back, putting her hands in the air as a shield, "Hey, loving, caring, younger sister here, only trying to help you figure out you love Spike."

"Dawn," Buffy said, sternly.

"Ooh see, I'm right, you never make that face unless you're trying to hide something," Dawn pointed out.

"I'm not doing this with you right now," Buffy moved to the stairs, but was stopped as Dawn stepped in front of her.

"That's what you always say, and right now this situation doesn't have to do with me, so I'll let it pass. I know this whole thing is killing you, and you don't want to pick, because you're afraid Angel will get hurt, whatever. You need to talk to Spike, Buffy, like right now, because the next time he goes out for a walk, he just might not come back."

The emotions flowing from Dawn's face were so serious that they almost seemed to have an inner sadness about them. Buffy didn't know what to say to her younger sibling, and wasn't given the chance. Dawn gave her a resolute look, and then walked passed her up the stairs, the door of her bedroom clicking shut a few seconds later.

And then the house was silent, and all that could be heard were the regular noises from the outside world. Buffy tried to shrug off Dawn's words, while she went to put her bags in her room. She attempted to keep busy with her task, but her thoughts kept floating back to Spike.  _What if he does leave_, she thought. _He said he never would. He said he never would._

She walked out of her room and stopped in front of Willow's door. She brought her hand up and knocked a few times, not hearing any reply. She hadn't spoken to Angel or Spike since the night before, and it was making her restless, anxious. She wanted resolve, she wanted closure, she wanted everyone to be happy, and right now she wanted her best friend to make her decisions for her. But the house remained desolate, the only other occupant unable to give her any easy solutions.

*******************************************

Spike had wandered around half of Sunnydale by the time night had begun to set in. He hadn't kept track of the time, but figured he'd been gone for most of the day, when he eventually made it into his old cemetery. Time seemed useless at this point to him. He tried to think of all the things he could do now that he was alive, and human. He thought about getting a job, a real job, maybe even try writing again. He thought about helping Buffy teach at her school, but quickly dismissed the thought as soon as it had come. Everything was different now that Angel was in the picture. And with that problem, brought a whole load of more questions he had no answers to.

He walked through the rows of gravestones leisurely, observing how his crypt a few feet had remained unchanged. _Always alone in the dark ol' chap_, Spike thought to himself. He stepped up to the door of the crypt and ran his hand across the metal gate covering the door. The world had preformed a 180 on him, compared to the last time he used to live there. But being back, the way he was now, verses before, didn't change the loneliness he felt inside.

Spike heard footsteps behind him, but knew he was in no danger. He continued to walk further into the graveyard, curious if the silent figure would follow. When he'd walked far enough, he stopped and sat on top of a large boulder nearby.

"What do you want Buffy," he breathed out, somewhat sadly.

"To see if you are ok," she replied, coming up beside him, and sitting down.

"I wagered you'd be with Peaches by now, stroking his ego and all that rot."

Buffy shot off the rock, then turning around and walking away said, "Forget it, forget I ever came by."

"Just tell me to leave Buffy, just say the words and I'm gone," he yelled to her, never moving.  

She stopped dead in her tracks, stone cold fear sweeping over her body. "I never said I wanted you to leave," she turned back, looking at him honestly.

"You never asked me to stay either," Spike stated, pushing himself off the rock into a standing position, his eyes focused on her.

"Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

"I just want know where I come in, in all of this pet. I need something," he pleaded to her, his expression unwavering.

Buffy came up in front of him, placing her hand on his arm lightly. "I don't have any answers for you, not right now. I know you hate me for that........but ....._maybe_, is the best I can give you," she paused a moment then added, "I still want you to come back home with me."

He moved back, feeling dejected by her answer, "Why?"

"You know why," she came up again trying to touch him, but he stepped back again.

"Yeah I do, you need me to tow the line so you don't feel guilty, well piss on that. I don't want this bloody love triangle bullshit."

She watched him begin to walk in the other direction, but cut him off before he got any further, "I care about you Spike, but you're asking me to make a choice that rips my heart apart. No matter what I do someone gets hurt. And the alternative is to leave everyone in limbo, and then we all hurt. So either way I come out of it the super bitch."

"I never said you had to make a choice Buffy, that would be the Great Poof. I, on the other hand, just want you to be happy, as cliche as that sounds," Spike retorted, crossing his arms together.

She smiled at his sentiment, softly pulling his arms apart, and entwining his hands with her own. "You want me to be happy? Then stop brooding and come back home with me," she inched him towards the road, linking her arm with his.

All the while Spike tried to hide his emotions, but a small grin broke through. They continued to walk in silence, until they rounded the corner. Spike turned his head towards Buffy," I do not brood," he declared, " I pout, often mope, and sometimes sulk, but never do I ever brood."

Buffy laughed out loud, pulling his arm tighter in her grasp, "Keep telling yourself that bleach boy."

A/N: A new chapter is soon on its way! Don't forget to review!!


	12. Meridian Blue

Disclaimer: I think me and Jossy are getting along better now. I mean just yesterday he came up to me and was all like, 'you better watch out Finn, or when you're not lookin' someone might just stab you in the back.' Well isn't that just the sweetest thing, how he's looking out for me and all?

A/N: Ok sorry for the long waited update, but the flu has been kicking my ass. I also have tons of schoolwork I've been neglecting, I should probably get on top of that right? The next update might not be for a while, but I do promise to try my very best!! And hey maybe if you guys persuaded me with reviews I might be encouraged to update faster! You never know.

Better Man

Chapter 11

Meridian Blue

_The world is a stage some people say_

_What role have you chosen for this _

_epic play?_

_The bullet?_

_The trigger?_

_The finger?_

_The vest?_

_Now and then everyone takes a blow _

_to their chest_

_If you chose the first three, your world_

_is a stage_

_Controlled by others action, flipped _

_like a page_

_If life is lived like that of a marionette_

_You may as well sit down to a game of_

_Russian roulette___

Spike sat alone on the front porch of 1630 Revello drive in thought. He didn't know which was worse, the constant whispering in the dark, the voices he knew that were talking of him, about him. Or maybe it was that he couldn't remember having a good nights rest since before he woke up in the deserted cave. Both were making him edgier than usual. He ran a hand through his messy curls, inhaling a calming breath of California air, as the quiet chirp of crickets echoed in the background.

Days, maybe even a week had passed since Angel had arrived, and nobody had spoken openly about what happened, or what was going to happen. Spike could feel that Buffy was in a certain state of denial about her choices, but he could also understand her reluctance to say anything. Both times him or Angel had been in the same room with each other, they would either ignore the other, or walk out all together. And that's not what worried Spike the most. He knew it was only a matter of time until something much more catastrophic happened; years of built up resentment and tension just waiting to come out.

Buffy on the other hand had decided to try to avoid all of this, by simply talking to them separately. Spike hadn't a clue about what she said to the Poof, and he didn't care. What drove him mad, was that he could hear the whispers, from Dawn and Willow, and even Xander. Late at night he could hear them talking about what was going on between the three of them, could hear their thoughts, even from outside.

_I've got to get away from here for a while_, he thought silently. Then standing up, he made his way inside for another night of sleepless rest.

****************************************

Meanwhile, not far down the street, in the darkness they watched him. _He is the one, he needs to be destroyed,_ one of the figures whispered to its silent companion. As Spike pulled the door shut behind him, the two figures slowly slipped back into the dark shadows of the night, preparing themselves for what lie ahead.

****************************************

The antique cherry wood clock chimed its dreary cadence for the noon hour, as Maddox paced back and forth, needlessly attempting to look busy for his manager. He yawned in boredom silently cursing his father, who had somehow duped him into getting a part time job at his Aunt's old bookshop over the summer, despite his request to apply at the less effeminate local sporting goods store.

He knew most of the guys at school thought he was nothing more than an intellectual genius and a complete and utter social retard, and most of the time it didn't bother him either way. Until it came to girls. One girl in particular, Dawn Summers.

He didn't know what she thought of him, he was terrified to find out, even more so after meeting her so-called "friend." So when he saw Spike walk through the shop doors, he instinctively jumped back, the tall stacks of books hiding him from the blonde man's view.

"Kern, stop standing around and go ask the customer if he needs help," he heard his manager say, coming up from behind the counter, a pile of books in his hands.

"Right, ok," he muttered, tentatively stepping forward.

Spike scanned the books on the wall, oblivious to everything else around him. It felt like ages since the last time he'd read anything at all. He missed the feeling of connecting with a story, the magic that always drew you in and made your emotions fly up and down like an intoxicating roller coaster ride. 

His eyes continued to drift through the books, stopping when he came to a familiar author. He paused, retrieving the book from the shelf and flipping through the pages mindlessly, until he came to a specific passage. He read the words silently to himself, remembering what he felt the first time he read it.

_Memory_

_I had one small glimpse_

_At heaven_

_Thru an opening in the sky;_

_One tiny peek at paradise_

_To fashion my heart's dream by._

_Perhaps if you had seen it too,_

_It might have opened wide,_

_And showered all its blessings through,_

_Or let us pass inside._

_But you didn't,_

_And I guess I mustn't really mind it;_

_While one can lose paradise,_

_There must be two to find it._

He stood quietly for a moment, reflecting on his past, when out of nowhere he heard a small voice behind him.

"Helen Hooper."

Spike spun around at the sound of another male voice, swiftly hiding the book behind his back.

"Hopper what," Spike mumbled.

"The poem you were reading was by Helen Hooper right? I remember her name from school. I think she wrote poetry or short stories," Maddox finished, giving Spike a timid glance.

"I uh don't know what you're talkin' about...... I was just lookin' around actually, and I uh saw some British books over here, and I like British books y'know, cause I'm a British man, and us British men like our old English and what not. So that was what I was doin', and .........yeah," he smiled bewildered at his failure to hide the truth.

Maddox scratched his head in confusion, he moved to turn away, but then paused, "But isn't that book that you were holding, a book of poetry, because I swear I saw the name Helen Hooper, and I'm pretty sure she was poet"

"No, no I was lookin' at Macbeth, all blood and guts everywhere, lots a' death, y'know arrrggg.  It's a fantastic book because..........because.................because........oh bugger it. Yeah I was lookin' at poetry. I like it alright! Maybe it wouldn't be such a dyin' art if you bloody Americans didn't make every man in existence feel like a sodding poof for readin' it!"

Maddox took a step back from the other man's outburst, "Ok....ok sure. I was uh just coming to ask you if you needed any help finding anything actually?"

"Oh, well not really no," Spike looked around embarrassed, noticing the boys name tag for the first time. As Maddox started to move away , Spike reached out his arm, and placed it on the younger boys shoulder. 

"So you gonna call the lil'bit?"

"Huh, little who what," Maddox asked, confused.

"Dawn, you're sweet on 'er right? Are you gonna ask 'er out properly, or continue to follow 'er around like a puppy in heat."

"I......um, well I-I .....um.......I want to."

"But."

"But I don't think she would say yes," he confessed.

"Well you'll never know for sure unless you do it," Spike said, staring him straight in the eyes. "So do it."

"Uh yes sir," Maddox answered.

"Whoa , whoa, whoa. I may be old, I may be very old, but you mate, just managed to make me feel ancient. Call me Spike."

"Yes si--Spike."

"Alright then," Spike gave him a pat on the back, returning the book to its place on the shelf. He then walked out of the store, leaving the boy behind. Until a few seconds later he felt someone rush up beside him on the sidewalk.

"So you really think she'd like it, if ya know, I called her?"

"I'm no Miss Cleo, but I'd wager she'd be with the happy."

Maddox came to a relaxing stride along the other man, a small grin on his face, " Thanks Spike. You know you're not so bad once you get passed the scary brother vibe."

"You think I'm scary," Spike asked in surprise.

"Not right now, but before, when we met......yeah pretty much."

He shook his and chuckled, "Ahh the irony."

"What?"

"Nothin.'"

"Well um I better get back to work, but thanks again for the Dawn news flash," said Maddox.

"Don't mention it."

"And if you ever need anything let me know."

Spike thought about it for a moment, considering his offer, and his previous thoughts from the last few days. "Hey wait, I got a question for you. What do you think women want?"

Maddox looked at him as if a monkey had just flown out of his butt, and then done a little tap dance on his head. "Why ask me, I mean you have noticed my less than lack-luster appeal with the ladies right?"

"I need another person's opinion, just humor me," Spike insisted.

The younger man contemplated his question for a few seconds, then when he thought he'd came up with a sufficient answer said," Well fancy gifts for one, clean houses for another, birthday cards are always good, oh and uh money. My mom's always complaining about not having enough money. Maybe they want financial stability, I don't really know Spike, I'm just guessing."

"No, you might be right," he asserted, "Men work, that's what they do. They have jobs they go to, so they can make money like all the other normal blokes."

"Um yep, that's what they do," Maddox responded, nodding his head.

"I am wanting in the job skills department though."

"What about the Doublemeat Palace, they'll hire anyone."

"Uh......."

"You don't want to work there?"

"Nah, he's holding out for a management position, aren't ya Spike," Xander Harris said, coming up from behind Spike, and smacking him on the back.

"Ha bloody ha," he uttered, with a sardonic smirk.

"You do have that whole authority thing down pat," Maddox mused.

"And the scary British demeanor," Xander added, as they both look to each other and then fell into laughter.

Spike watched them laugh at him, annoyed by the whole situation, "Oh will you two prats stop yourselves."

"Sorry Spike," Maddox said calming down, then glancing at his watch, "I really got to get back to work, but I'll see you around."

Spike nodded, as the teen made his way down the sidewalk He turned his attention back to the brunette in front of him, who was presently giving him a curious look.

"What, what are you lookin' at?"

"At the risk of seeming like I care, and I don't know why I'm asking this, but what's with all the work speakage."

Spike looked him straight in the eyes, knowing he really needed help, and said, "No way in hell."

"And why not," Xander questioned, quickening his pace after the other man left him behind.

"One, I don't fancy you gettin' your kicks off at my expense, and two, how would you possibly be able to impart any help on me?"

Xander stuck out his hand in Spike's face, visibly offended, "I'll have you know I'm quite a viable entity in our here employment industry. Ask and you shall receive my brotha."

Spike looked at him hesitantly, then realizing his absence of options shook his head in surrender, "I need a job."

"Because................."

" Actually I was considering  puttin' a new color in my wardrobe, WHY do you think?!"

The thought of Spike doing something as selfless as get a job for another person hadn't occurred to Xander until that moment. He watched Spike's eyes become a dark shade of blue, the vulnerability of sharing that information with him taking a toll on his self-confidence.

"Buffy, you wanna get a job for Buffy," Xander said to him.

"More or less," he replied, trying to save face.

Xander paused, thinking to himself of what he could do, he smiled and then turning around, began walking the opposite way. When he noticed the blonde wasn't following him, he looked back, "Are you coming?"

Spike was confused, "Huh?"

"If you want a job I can get you one, but we're gonna have to see my boss before his lunch hour's over, so come on," he waved his hand forward as the two men walked to his car.

**************************

_Working sucks_, Spike thought, as he took another drink of Jack Daniel's. _Working sucks a lot._ He'd thought over the days events again and again, and for some reason, and possibly due to the extreme alcohol intake, he couldn't come up with one good reason why in God's name he had decided to take a job. It wasn't just any job, no that would make life to simple, no he was working as Xander Harris' errand bitch, doing mindless tasks for a measly seven dollars an hour. And to top it all off, Buffy was nowhere to be found when he finally arrived back home.

He chugged down another gulp of brown whiskey, biting back the affect the taste was having on his mouth. _Alcohol's bit different when you're human, goes straight to your head_, he mused stumbling up into a sitting position on the living room couch. He went to get up, but realized his feet had turned to mush at that point, instead resting his head on the armrest until he fell asleep.

******************************

Sunset had come and gone, when Spike heard a door slam shut somewhere in the house. His head hurt from the headache he'd had for the past few days, the buzz from the alcohol still apparent throughout his body. He grabbed the half empty bottle from the ground and took a couple more swigs, as two blurred figures came into the room. He heard them mumbling to each other and turned around, seeing Angel and Dawn standing in the doorway.

Angel had a stern face on, as he came up in front of him. Spike ignored him, taking another drink from the bottle.

"What are you doing Spike," he asked with contempt.

Spike looked Angel up and down, his eyelids fluttering from his drunken state. He raised the bottle in his hand up above his head, swinging it back and forth as he turned to Dawn. "Yo ho kids, The Great Captain Poof is home."

"Are you drunk," Angel spat him.

"Sure am mate," he mumbled, burping loudly, before slightly gagging as the bile rose in his throat.

Dawn came over to him and grabbed the bottle out of his hand, when he gave her a pout, she merely dismissed him saying, "I'm going to get him some water," and then walked out of the room.

Angel watched in anger as Spike attempted to push himself into a sitting position on the sofa, the alcohol finally taking affect on his stomach.

"If you're going to be sick, get out of the family room," said Angel in disgust.

"Piss off," Spike countered.

"Don't start with me, I'm not in the mood."

"Apparently I'm not making my self clear enough. I said sod off. It's spelled like this S-O-D–

"SCREW YOU SPIKE," Angel yelled in frustration, coming closer to him.

Spike merely cranked his neck back in forth letting the tension out as he stretched out on the sofa leisurely. "You know you'd be a really great pirate, all you need is an eye patch and one of those green parrot birds, that throw's out insulting two word comments, like Nancy boy SQUAWK, Nancy boy SQU–

"GET UP," Angel roared.

"Excuse me."

"Get up NOW. I want you out of this house. I want you gone. You're a parasite Spike, that leeches on to the first thing that is sympathetic to you. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. Leave now, don't come back, and let Buffy have a happy life."

Spike laughed, "You'd just love that wouldn't you, for me to just shrivel up and die so you can be the knight and shining armor to take care of her in her grief. Grow up Peaches, she doesn't love you, not like she loves me," he said, standing up.

"You lie," he glared, coming up in front of Spike.

"You............Wish," he whispered, right as Angel's fist collided with his face. Spike flew across the room from the impact of the hit. Pushing himself off the ground, he got up and ran at the taller man with full force, causing them both to fall to the ground.

They punched at each other back and forth, leading Dawn to come in from the other room. She stood in shock, pleading with them to stop.

"I hate you," Angel yelled, brining his leg up, and kicking Spike in the ribs. When Spike crashed into the coffee table, he felt it give under his weight and break in half, the small legs of the table spurting out from the sides.

When he saw Angel come at him again he ducked out of the way, "Feelings mutual," he puffed out, slamming into him and pushing him on the ground. Spike hovered over Angel, using all of his strength to keep the vampire pinned to the ground. He noticed one of the wooden table legs nearby and quickly picked it up, looking Angel in eyes. 

"I could kill you right now," Spike told Angel, twirling the stake in his hand. "I could stick this piece of cheap wood into your heart and kill you, because in some way or other you've managed to take the one thing I've ever truly loved away from me. But I'm not gon–," he was cut off as he felt Angel's grip tighten on his wrist. He tried to break free, but lost control, as Angel pulled his arm forward in a tug of war.

When they heard Buffy's yells from the other side of the room a moment later, Angel  instinctively let go, the force causing Spike to fall back and then forward, imbedding the wooden leg in Angel's left shoulder.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON," Buffy cried, as Angel moaned in pain.

"It was accident, I didn't mean to, I-I-I," Spike tried to calm her, as he jumped away from Angel, but she ignored him, helping Angel off the ground and into the other room.  

He stood there in shock, unable to speak, or think logically at all. He looked over to doorway and saw Dawn staring at him silently.

"I didn't mean to do it Dawn..........you believe me right," he asked shakily, suddenly feeling very sober. She simply nodded, and then left the room.

He sat in silence for the next twenty minutes, the last hour's events running over and over in his mind.

Buffy watched him as she came in the room, a sickening feeling in her stomach. He seemed so lost and afraid, sitting alone. His head was buried in his hands, rubbing the side of his temples. As she came closer to him, he snapped up to attention, a weary look darkening his blue eyes.

"What happened Spike," she asked him.

"It was accident Buffy, you've got to believe me luv," he pleaded to her.

"How can I know for sure, it's your word against his."

"Because I'm tellin' ya the truth, that's how," he stood up coming to her.

She looked at him uncertainly, and then down at the mess on the ground, letting out a strained breath. He followed her as she came out onto the front porch, the cool night air sweeping through her golden locks. She pulled the door shut behind him and then looked up to him.

"I can't do this anymore, I can't be in the middle of this stupid war you've got going on between the two of you. Something has to change, someone's got change," she said, looking out onto the street.

"I've got to change is what you mean."

She turned to him, with a confused look, "What?"

Spike shook his head in defeat, a realization finally washing over him, "Say it. SAY IT."

"Say what," she questioned.

"I'm not Angel..........that's why you don't love me. Say it."

"Yes, ok. You're not Angel. Is that what you want to hear," she shot at him.

"I knew it. All this time.............. He's not the same person you loved Buffy. You're not the same person."

"Don't do this," she warned.

"Do what?"

"Talk to me like you know anything about Angel or what happened between us, because you don't."

"Don't I," he yelled to her in frustration. "I know why he loved you, I know that. I know why he couldn't stay, I know why he left."

Buffy tried to go back in the house, but Spike grabbed her by the waist pulling her back onto the porch and closing the door. 

"Stop Spike, I don't want to do this with you."

"Do what Buffy, be honest for once in your life 'bout why you never seem to find someone to really love."

"Stop," she said, avoiding eye contact.

"Or do you not want to talk 'bout the fact that you always give up on love when it's right in front of your face."

"Stop NOW."

"Or could it be because you don't want to admit that you're willin' to fuck over the one person that has ever truly LOVED YOU," Spike screamed at her.

Buffy brought her arm up and hit him across the face, causing him to stumble to ground. When he suddenly realized what he had done, he picked himself off the yard, and gulped back a breath of air. She stood in silence across from him, the tension between them falling for the moment.

"I'm sorry Buffy."

"You should go," she mumbled, looking away from him.

He ignored her for the moment, knowing that if he didn't get out what he was feeling, no matter how much it hurt, then he would regret it forever.  "I don't know what I'm doin' anymore. I 'm such a jerk. I feel like I'm goin' crazy. All I ever wanted to do is be with you. I never wanted to hurt you, or make you cry, and it kills me to think that I've done that. But I don't know what to do Buffy. I can't live like this anymore. I can't be in this house with you every night, and act like nothin's changed from the past year, when everythin' has. I love you so much, more than anythin', and you pretend like it's not true, and I don't know what to do with that. I thought I could pretend, but ever since the moment I got back, all I've wanted to do is hold you, make love to you. And then I see that look in your eyes, that look of doubt, and it kills me. Angel may be a better man than me, I don't rightly know. In your eyes I may never ever compare, and I realize that, but I can't pretend to be somethin' I'm not. I'm just Spike. Spike who makes mistakes, loses control, screws up, and loves Buffy. You're the one thing in my entire life that I've done right, the one thing I will not apologize for. I'm proud to love you Buffy. I would give everythin', the whole world, if you'd just tell me you love me."

"I....................can't," she answered a few moments later, a blank expression on her face.

He watched her, the pain slowly crushing his heart, as he managed to speak "Did you mean what you said, that day you said you loved me?"

"Don't ask me this," she said, looking up at him.

"Why not. Did you lie to me, is that why you don't want me to ask. Was it all a bloody lie. Tell me. I deserve to know," he blurted out, running a hand through his hair nervously.

"No."

"No what?"

"No I didn't lie," she answered, turning away again.

"So then what's changed?"

"You died, I moved on."

"Did you really," he asked her skeptical.

"I can't go back to the way things used to be, I have a new life now," Buffy reasoned.

"Is that right?"

"Yeah that's right."

"With Angel who you love?"

"Right," she answered again.

Spike tried to look into her eyes, but she refused to look back. He watched her mess with the hem of her shirt anxiously. He closed his eyes shut for a moment, taking in a breath of air. His throat felt tight, his entire body felt tight and ready to explode.

"I should go," he uttered to her. "I'll be back later for my things," she nodded to him silently, as he began to move away. He watched her step onto the porch, as she turned around to watch him. When she saw him watching her she pulled back in surprise, and he softly smiled to her.

"I'll always love you," he told her, before walking into the night.

Buffy watched him disappear, as she sat down on the porch, wrapping her arms around her body snuggly. "So will I," she whispered, as she finally began to cry.

A/N: **Don't forget to review!!!!!!** A new chapter on it's way soon!!


	13. As the Pendulum Swings

Disclaimer: Joss says everything in the Buffyverse is his, I told him it's mine, and then he kicked my puny little ass. Guess that's what I get for trying to be anything but a lowly minion.

A/N: Ok I know I've been horrible with updating lately so feel free to throw your tomatoes at me now. Thanks to Meg and you others for kicking my ass into gear and getting to finish this chapter.  Keep the reviews coming. Lastly, sorry if anyone thinks that the plot is moving too slow at this point but I really wanna get a few more things established before all the spuffy goodness. Enjoy kids!!

Better Man

Chapter 12

As the Pendulum Swings

 _He said life's so hard to move in sometimes _

_When it feels like I'm towin' the line_

_ And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way _

_ I know you feel helpless now and _

_I know you feel alone _

_That's the same road, the same road I am on _

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Buffy watched in trance as the clock swayed back and forth in a graceful cadence 

And then suddenly, everything was bright all at once, like looking into the flash of a camera, and  being unable to make out any clear objects. The room Buffy found herself in, if you could call it that, had no doors, no windows, or walls. It simply floated within itself, an otherworldly cloud that moved with the rhythm of the ocean.

Buffy rubbed her eyes with the balls of her hands, feeling a cool breeze of air swoosh over her body.

"Hello, is anyone there........._hello_, _HELLO_," she turned around and searched the unfamiliar area around her, vaguely aware that someone was near her.

When she turned back around she saw Spike standing in front of, adorned head to toe in a white suit. Startled by his immediate presence she pulled back from him. He gave her a reassuring smile, while she stood gawking at him.

"I waited for you," he almost whispered," I wasn't sure you'd come."

"Why," she asked.

He looked over her head and around the space they were in, "The Angels said you would come. I didn't believe 'em, but they were right of course, their always right."

Buffy searched his face, feeling confused, "I don't understand."

"Destiny," he smiled.

"What...............what do you mean?"

"You and him luv....meant to be, they told me so.........just look," he gestured above him, towards the sky.

Dozens of winged beauties floated over the couples' head's, light shades of blues, greens, and purples, mixed with the Angel's golden and raven colored head's, as the wind sailed over and through their bodies.

Buffy stood in awe, her mouth which was wide open, slowly formed into a smile, fresh tears glistening in her eyes.

"This is what heaven was like, " she breathed, " How-how did you kn--"

"It's all them," he signaled to the flying serphines, "It's true you know.......you and him.......destiny."

Again confused, Buffy looked into his eyes, "Who are you ta–," she tried to finish but he cut her off pointing behind her.

She followed his hand, turning around. What she saw, caught her breath. There about 20 feet from her was Spike and her, walking through the graveyard together in live action.  She was telling him to leave her alone, and he was acting nonchalant as usual, attempting to keep her attention at the same time.. The scene seemed so familiar to Buffy until she realized, it was, because she had lived it before. 

A second later another scene flashed before her, it was of her and Spike sitting on her backyard porch, his arm around her as she cried for her mother, knowing the cancer would destroy her, destroy them all. And as she watched this a tear spilled down her face at the memory. 

Slowly Buffy walked forward, until she could almost reach out and touch the figures in front of her.. And then another scene flashed. This time it was of her and Spike, behind the Bronze. They were pressed against each other, kissing passionately, violently. It was the night everything changed. The night she realized she needed him to feel. And he obligingly agreed.

The memory seemed more fond to her now than it would have before, and she caught her self smiling at it. Again she moved closer. This last imaged flashed with the brightest light, revealing something very intimate. There in Buffy's basement lay her and Spike, in his cot, coiled around each other asleep. The light of the moon shown through, showering their naked bodies with a light blue sheen. 

Buffy moved back, unable to take seeing this memory so vividly, it felt so painful. She moved to walk away, when she saw Spike in the image open his eyes. 

_He stared down at the sleeping Buffy and brushed a piece of hair from her face. He kissed the top of her head lightly, all the while never taking his eyes off her sleeping form._

_Just then Spike glanced over her, a flicker of light catching his eye. It was the amulet, the one she gave to him, the one that was meant for Angel. He sucked in an unneeded breath of air, and slowly exhaled, attempting to clam his nerves. Whenever he thought of Angel and her, it turned his stomach into knots, making him feel physically ill.  So when he calmed himself a few minutes later, he gazed back down at the sleeping beauty before him, and felt his body begin to relax._

_Spike then brushed his hand over the smooth skin of her cheek, a warm shiver running up and down his body. He caught a glimpse of the moon and turned his attention to the magnificent light._

_"Thank you," he said, as if preaching to some God. "Thank you for tonight, and whatever time I have left on this bloody planet. I probably won't make it tomorrow...that's alright. Being with her, tonight, is more than I could have ever dreamed for."_

_He paused looking down at her still form and continued, "I know you'll never think of me as your soul-mate, never love me like a soul-mate, but that's ok, because this is enough. You are my soul, and that will always be enough."_

As the image slowly faded away Buffy turned around to the man standing before her, her face smeared with tears.

"Do you love him," Spike asked her.

"Very much," she answered wiping the tears from her face.

He smiled at her softly, almost contemplating what to tell her next, as if it was the answer to life itself.

"What's meant to be will always find a way. Always......" he finished, cryptically, turning away from her then.

Buffy tried to go after him, still uncertain about what she was supposed to do with all of this new information that was given to her. "Wait come back, COME BACK. What am I supposed to do, I don't know what to do, help me....please?"

"Always," he repeated, opening a door that hadn't been there a moment before. Buffy ran after him, determined to get an answer, any answer. 

When she stepped through the door, she found herself back in the hallway. The same hallway she'd dreamt about a few weeks before.

She saw the single forbidden door at the end of the hallway, calling out to her. In a desperate attempt to unmask the man behind the desk, and finally unsurface some real answers, Buffy bolted forward. When she came to the door, she ripped it open with one fowl swoop.

She again saw the single chair faced against the wall, saw how it ever so slowly began to turn around until..............................she felt some shaking her?

Buffy blinked her eyes open a few times, becoming aware that her sister was standing above her, one arm pushing down on her shoulder in an annoying repetition.

"STOP pushing on me," Buffy whined to her sister, batting her hands away, and turning over in her bed.

"We need to talk oh sister of mine, and we need to talk now."

"Couldn't this wait until you know, maybe I wasn't _sleeping_," she argued.

"It could, but it's not gonna, so get up, get dressed, and we'll see you down stairs in 10 minutes," Dawn snapped, exiting the room before Buffy could get another word in edgewise.

The blonde sat up dazed and confused, thinking over all of the reasons why her sister would wake her up, to talk to her at this time of night, or would it be morning?

When the thought crossed her mind that no one had told her what happened with Spike, she mentally slapped herself in the head, knowing this conversation wasn't going to be good.

A/N: Sorry this chappy is short, but I wanted to give you at least something for now. Good news, after this weekend I will have tons more time to make updates so whoohoo for that!! Also I have just a couple questions that I'd really appreciate if anyone could answer for me.

I don't know a whole lot about Angel, the show, I've only just recently started watching it, and we all know why that is! So I have a few questions about the show I need to know for later on in the story. 

1) How did Wolfram and Hart become apart of the show, and what's so important about it?

2) What happened to Cordelia at the end of the last season? Was she really a demon, or what was going on with that?

3) What happened to Connor at the end of the last season?

4) How did Fred become apart of the show?

That's all I can think of now, so if anyone could answer one or all of my questions it would be greatly appreciated. And hey I've still got those cookies if anyone wants one! P.S. the poem from the last chapter was by J. Lattyak, and the quote from this chapter was by Three Doors Down.


	14. My Own Private Iowa

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the creator of all good, he is a man among men, the one true hero of our time!!! Or he could possibly be the devil incarnate, but I'll choose the latter.

A/N: Sorry I didn't update as soon as I said I would, but I've had tons of homework ( damn teachers, making us learn), and I also  went to a Guster concert this week. And if you've never heard of them you must right away, because they seriously rawk!!! Alright here's a spankin' new chappy for you, hope you enjoy, and remember to review!! The quote below is by Dana Glover.

Better Man

Chapter 13

My Own Private Iowa

_I can't really tell you _

_What I'm gonna do_

_There are so many thoughts in my head_

_There are two roads to walk down_

_And one road to choose_

_So I'm thinking over_

_The things that you've said_

Buffy had tried to delay the inevitable conversation she was supposed to have with her sister, by taking as long as humanly possible to put clothes on and go downstairs. As she made her way into the living room she saw to her surprise that Dawn was accompanied not just by Willow, but with Xander as well. She gave them all a rather skeptical look before settling her eyes on Dawn.

"What's going on?"

"Well me and Xan and Will had a Scooby meeting and decided that we needed to talk about what happened the other night," Dawn answered, looking back and forth between Buffy and her friends.

"You had a what?"

"A Scooby meeting," she repeated.

"Without me," Buffy quirked up her brow in question.

"Yeah."

"That's not allowed," she huffed crossing her arms over her body, pacing back in forth.

"Why not," Dawn glared at her.

"Because...because it's my house and I say so dammit," she threw back in lame defense.

Dawn chortled, shaking her head, "Oh, well since you put it that way."

"And, when did what happens between me and Spike, become common knowledge, and susceptible to public scrutiny," Buffy flung back at her sister, wondering when had everything gone so backwards in her life that her sister was having interventions for her relationship follies.

"Mostly because he's alone and sad and heartbroken, and you don't seem to care one bit, not too mention the fact that for the last week this house has been like living in a friggin' morgue. Your not happy Buffy, I can see that, Xander can see that, Willow can see that, why can't you," she pleaded to her sister, hoping to get through that all too tough exterior she knew Buffy put up in situations like this.

"That's not true I'm doing fine, really, this whole situation with Spike, was just a......it's better this way, with you and me and Angel things aren't complicated," Buffy perjured.

"Well I think you're making a gigantic-enormous-colossal mistake, and I'm not gonna let Spike walk out of both of our lives because you're afraid to show your feelings," Dawn stated with conviction.

Buffy looked to her friends for support, but when she found that their eyes averted away from her own, she knew she had to tell them the truth.

"It's not about what I feel......... it's about what Angel feels."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I don't want to hurt him Dawn," Buffy asserted.

"And what about Spike's feelings, huh? Do they matter at all to you, because you sure don't act like it," the brunette cried, throwing her hands up in the air.

Buffy watched the occupants of the room, afraid to finally be honest with herself or them about her feelings for a certain peroxide blonde man. She wondered over to the sofa and took a seat in the corner, fiddling with her hands nervously. She mulled over different ways to explain her thoughts, stopping when one in particular stuck.

"It might not seem like it," Buffy explained, " but I've thought about all of this about a thousand times a day, since Spike got back, and every time I think I've come to a final decision I realize that someone is going to get hurt and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"But don't you think it's better to hurt someone a little now, then to hurt them more in the long run," Willow finally spoke out.

"I guess you're right. I don't know, I just have this feeling of total and utter confusion whenever I think about what I should, I don't know how to explain it."

"Well try," Dawn pleaded to her.

"Have you ever been in a situation," she began a moment later," where you feel like everything you've ever learned, all the advice everyone's ever given you is completely worthless. Because this one decision is something you're going to have to make on your own. And you know what you want, and you know what is right despite all the insecurities in your mind, but you still want to find the easy way out?"

Dawn shook her head in agreement, understanding her sister's words.

"You know this is a huge choice you're making, something that will change your life, and maybe the future will be better than you ever imagined, maybe it will be the biggest let down you've ever experienced, but all you really want to do is get back to normal, because that's what's safe," Buffy said, contemplating her thoughts, chuckling a little at the memory. "It's funny, but I remember this thing Riley told me once when he was homesick. He said that joining the military was one of the scariest things he had ever done, because it took him into this whole knew world filled with some of the worst beings imaginable. And whenever he would get too overwhelmed, too overcome by this new reality he'd been shown, that he would step back and remember his home. A place that would always live in his heart, something he could take anywhere he went. And I guess in this long drawn out speech, all I'm trying to say is that maybe I need to find my own private Iowa., my own home."

"Maybe you already have found it, but you're to scared to hold onto it _Buffy_," Dawn seethed, shaking her head in frustration. She then moved off of the chair she was sitting on, and with a quick glance to her sister, morosely retreated out of the room.

"Dawn wait," Buffy called out, going to follow her upset sibling.

"Let her go Buff," comforted Xander, "she wants to be angry with someone, no reason that someone should be you."

"She has a point though, I don't have a clue what I'm doing, in fact I think I may me hurting more people by doing nothing, than I would by doing something," she lamented, feeling that small twinge in her stomach come back to life whenever she knew she was hurting _him_.

"Very true," Willow nodded.

"Yeah pretty much," Xander shrugged his shoulders in agreement.

Buffy puffed out a sardonic laugh at their response, slumping down again on the couch. " Well it's good to know both of  you guys think I'm doing such a crappy job with my life."

"We so didn't even say that Miss Drama Queen, all we did was agree with you. Dawn's right, you haven't been happy," Xander commented, looking over to the redhead nearby him.

"I mean I thought some of the old Buffy had snuck in for a little while," Willow added," but this last week has been like Buffy version 2.0. We're used to Buffy 5.0, maybe even 6.0, but ever since Spi-, ever since everything happened last week its been strictly version 2.0.. And I guess I'm just worried. Maybe Dawn knows what she's talking about this time, you should think about who's really the right guy for you, who makes you happy."

"Will is right, it's not like Captain peroxide is my favorite person or anything, but I know what I see when your around him. Hell, I've been feelin' a bit of it myself lately," Xander looked away shyly, a slight smile in his eyes, and on his face.

"I know what you're saying," Buffy included, preoccupied with her own thoughts," its just tha- wait what you say," she questioned, looking up at her friends. "You've been feeling what lately?"

"Happy," Xander smiled.

"Happy? About what?"

Xander looked to Willow again, uncertain where to begin. He turned back to the blonde, biting his bottom lip softly. "Well it's kind of a long story...."

".....with a funny outcome," Willow added.

"That kind of resulted in....," Xander continued.

"......a double-date of sorts, that resulted in," furthered Willow.

"......more dates, so to say," finished Xander.

Meanwhile Buffy watched them in speechlessness, her eyes darting back and forth like a veritable tennis match was going on right in front of her. When they had failed to continue, an awkward silence flitted over the room.

"So hold on a second, you guys have been.....dating," she finally said. In response all she received was a silent nod, something she found quite amusing considering they seemed to almost be asking for her blessing.

"New people," Buffy also questioned, and was answered with another nod. "For a while? And that's why your all with the happy lately," she paused considering this. When she knew they couldn't handle the tension any longer, a slow smile, like that of cherish cat spread a crossed her face. 

"Well that's great you guys, I mean that's really awesome, I'm glad for you, I am. I hadn't even noticed how cheery you both seemed lately. I'm supposed to notice stuff like that. God I'm a bad friend," she vented, running a hand over her face quickly.

Willow's own smile faded at her friend's current dismay, "No, you're a good friend, going through a rough time."

"That seems to be the perpetual cycle of my life doesn't it," she replied.

"Yeah I think we've all had our turns with the being a crappy-negligent-and-all-around-self-absorbed-friend. It just happens to be you turn again," Xander stated, patting his friend gently on the back.

"And I'm doing a bang up job of it," Buffy retorted.

"Don't' be so hard on yourself Buff, there's always a silver lining," the carpenter smiled.

Buffy looked at him, cocking her head to the side curiously. "Where is Xander and what have you done with him?"

"Oh he's in the wonderful, yet dreadful world of dating, but doing quite nicely considering," he answered with a charming grin.

Buffy and Willow looked to each other, and chuckled, "Well I think I like this new Xander, despite his penchant for over the top cheesy metaphor's."

"Hey I like that one," he solemnly declared.

"You would," Buffy retaliated, with another laugh.

************************************************

Ten days later, Dawn and Maddox found themselves treading along a deserted street. The sun was just going down over the orange painted horizon when they reached a small building on the edge of Sunnydale. At first glance it would seem as if it was abandoned, but the closer the pair got, the more they could see that what first appeared like a desolated apartment building, was really just a decrepit old motel.

"Are you sure he's here Dawn, cause this just doesn't seem like some place Spike would go," Maddox said his eyes shooting this way and that at every unusual noise.

"I'm sure," Dawn waved him off, looking again at the small piece of paper in her hand," this is the place he told me on the phone," she maintained, pointing to a large neon sign just above their heads, dirt and grime covered the dimly lit letters that read: _St. Mary's Motel_, "See it's religious Maddox.

He smiled at her uneasily as they came up to the front desk, a large piece of plexy glass surrounding it to prevent intruders from stealing or harming anyone inside. When neither of them noticed anyone around, Dawn knocked on the glass for a minute, until she noticed a rather unclean, overweight, and very drunk man step right in front of the small dotted circle in the glass for speaking.

"Can I help you," he burped , scratching his belly underneath his sweat stained cut-off shirt.

"Yeah, we need a-."

"$17.50 a night for the room, $10.00 deposit for the sheets....You go straight to the top of the-."

"Actually we were just looking for our friend Spike, we think he might be staying here, do you know him" Maddox interjected.

"Never heard of 'em," he answered disinterested.

Dawn pulled out a twenty dollar bill from her pocket, holding it up in front of the man enticing. "He's got white blonde hair, British accent, medium build, wears a lot a black, not too social."

The man watched the money sway back and forth until it landed on the counter before him, " Just outside, three doors down to your right, room number 215."

"Thank you" Dawn nodded, grabbing her companion by the arm, and escorting him outside with her.

"Well that's a handy trick you did there," Maddox mused.

"Yeah and it only cost me twenty bucks," she huffed, knocking on the green chipped door marked 215.

The couple waited quietly for a few moments, until they heard rustling on the other side of the door. As the figure came closer they could hear his voice mutter, "I already told you twice today I don't need any bloody housekeeping."

Spike swung the door open quickly, halting abruptly when he saw Dawn in front of him, instead of the short pudgy woman in an apron he had come so accustom too.

"Well that's good, because Hell would have to freeze over before I'd touch your dirty laundry," Dawn quipped, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

Spike shot her an irritated glare, crossing his arms in front of his wrinkled black shirt, something he'd obviously been wearing for days. "What are you doin' here bit?"

Dawn surveyed his appearance noticing his unwashed clothing, and messing blonde locks. The dark circles under his eyes, seeming more apparent in the last rays of sunlight, than they would of in dark of his motel room. But despite his obvious desire not to see her right now, she knew she had a purpose, and she wasn't leaving until he heard everything she had to tell him.

"I was worried about you, I wanted to see if you were ok. And so did Maddox, "she added quickly, "we were both worried sick, right _Maddox_," she finished, shooting him a quick pleading glance. 

"Oh uh yeah, of course, deathly worried," he answered weakly.

"Riiiiight," Spike said sarcastically, looking from Maddox to Dawn amused. "I told you not to come by here pet, I'm fine, and it's not safe for you anyway, what with all the .....burglars and drug people about."

Dawn puffed out a laugh, " Oh yes, you've got to watch out for those random street burglars, they'll swipe your finery before you can blink an eye."

"You know what I mean, " he said sternly.

"Yeah but it's important, just give me 10 minutes ok?"

"Come on in then, and get on with it," he finally resigned, moving away from the door to let her in. When Maddox didn't follow Dawn turned back around. 

"Are you coming," she asked.

"This seems kind of personal, so I'll just wait her till you're done," he answered.

"You sure?"

"One hundred percent," he smiled.

"I won't be long," she returned his smile, following Spike into his room. She watched him kick a few pieces of clothing to the side of the room, and then picking others up off a nearby chair. All around the room were empty bags of chips, pizza boxes, and other delivered food. What she found most disconcerting though, was the round plastic garbage can, which overflowing with at least 10 or 15 different kinds of empty glass liquor bottles.

Spike took a seat on the edge of the bed, lightning a cigarette, with his newly acquired zippo lighter, and taking a few quick puffs before settling his eyes back on his surrogate sister. "So what do I owe this-."

Dawn cut him off immediately, placing herself in front of him effectively, "Ok here's the deal, two days ago Buffy got a call from Mrs. Autaberry about the Art gallery my mom used to work at. Apparently they hold this annual charity auction to raise money, but this year they want to do a sort of memorial benefit for my mom and all the great work she did when she was alive. The thing is, I wasn't there when the lady called, but I guess she wants Buffy to come and accept some plaque they made with my mom's name on it. So anyway we're all invited to this thingy this weekend, and its supposed to be  all formal, but I think it'll be fun, and I think you should come."

Spike tired to process everything she'd said as quickly as possible, only coming out with, "Why?"

"You know why Spike, it's important, I want you to be there, Buffy would want you to be there," she said, sitting next to him on the bed.

"Nah, she's got the Scoobies, and the poof for that, I'd just get in the way," he replied, running a hand through his hair slowly.

"She's going with Angel," Dawn clipped out, quickly searching his face for a reaction.

He paused, looking up at her so sadly Dawn thought her heart might break, " Throw some more salt on the wound nibblet, that's great."

"I'm not telling you to hurt you Spike, I'm telling you so you'll come," she grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly.

He laughed, shaking his head in mock amusement, "In what world would I want to sit idly by, why they make with the Sonny and Cher act. I think I'll pass this time Bit," he got up off the bed, pacing around the room in frustration, knowing the one thing he cared about the most was slipping away from him.

"No you won't," Dawn declared.

"I won't," he questioned.

"No."

"An why is that?"

"Because she still loves you."

He drew back emotionally as well as physically, looking away from his friend. It hurt too much, all this talking about feelings, he didn't want to feel anymore, if you didn't feel then you couldn't get hurt, and oh God did he not want to hurt anymore. "I think you better go Dawnie," he gestured towards the door.

Dawn looked unswayed by his movement, coming up next to him again, " I know you don't want to talk about this," she soothed, "and I understand, but you need to know that she loves you........You've never given up Spike don't start now. She needs you to give her another chance."

"That's a bloody laugh, I thought I was the one who needed to be given a second chance, or would be a fifth....I've lost track."

"Listen to me, if you care about her half as much as you say you do, then be at that benefit on Saturday in a presentable suit with all your pearly white's showing and sweep my sister off her feet, Angel be damned," Dawn cried, looking at Spike directly in the eyes. When he finally broke a smile after a long pause, she came up to him and kicked him hard in the shin.

"OWWW, what in the bloody hell was that for you bint," he rubbed at his sore leg.

"That was for disappearing on me for days, not telling me were you went, or if you were ok, and for telling Maddox to call me," she stated.

He stared at her for a second, bewildered and confused, but before he got a chance to apologize Dawn wrapped her arms around his middle, and hugged him tightly. When she pulled back, and he looked more confused than before, she simple said, "And that's for telling Maddox to call me."  

Spike let a out a true laugh for the first time in what felt like years, shaking his head at the enigma that was teenage girls. "You women are a mystery I swear I'll never figure out," he uttered, knowing both of the Summer's women had him wrapped around their little fingers, and probably always would.

A/N: Are you dying to find out what happens at the benefit? Then ya gotta review for more!! I'm evil I know, but I live for reviews so please be kind, and **review**!!!


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